Artistic License!!!

Hey art lovers,

Do me a favor and visit the Fluorescent Gallery in downtown Knoxville this Friday, May 7th at 7:00 p.m. to see a really innovative art show.

The Concept of the Show

By Dale Mackey and Shawn Poynter

Knoxville is crawling with creatives. We are continually inspired by the photographers, designers, writers, musicians and visual artists who live here. Artistic License aims to facilitate creative collaboration between artists and art forms in Knoxville.

Inspired by the children's game of telephone, in which a sentence is passed from person to person through whispers until it reaches the end of the chain and is uttered aloud. It's usually an entirely different sentence than the original, changed slightly be each person who hears it. Artistic License shows us what can be created when we put our words and images into another person's hands.

Four photographers took a picture of a stranger. Each of these pictures was passed on to two writers who wrote a short piece based on the photo. These poems and stories were then passed to two artists who created a piece of art based on the writing they received.

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I had the pleasure of creating one of the illustrations for the show, and it marked the first time in five years I used my hands instead of a computer to create a piece of art.

The Florescent Gallery is located at 627 North Central Street in Downtown Knoxville. The gallery can also be reached at 865.386.8848 for directions or information.

Come on out and support our amazing art community!

-M

Now that's power.

Hey body wash fans,

It would probably be a tragedy if I didn't post this up.

One again, Old Spice makes its mark as the only product I would actually buy based on advertising. In fact, I did buy some of the regular Body Wash. The only problem? Every time I shower, I immediately think of a shirtless man holding an oyster while riding a horse.

I guess it could be worse. At least I don't smell like a lady.

-McClane out

Strike Team... ASSEMBLE!!!!

Hey herpetologist fans,

In the ever-raging battle against giant snakes, it takes a blog like this one to keep the torch burning for our species' survival.

Once again, let's head down to the Sunshine State, folks. As the below video establishes, this Mike Knight guy has stepped up to the plate and started this "Invasive Species Task Force" to try & fight these reptilian monsters before they turn the entire state of Florida into a bucket of shredded guts, severed limbs and broken dreams.

(Editor's note about Knight: I wasn't sure if I liked him or not, but then he used the word "Strike Team" at the end of one of his quotes and I was sold 100%.)

Let's check out the full story:

Mike Knight seems to be a pretty sharp guy, and he's got some awesome ideas. I especially adore the thought of a custom giant snake "911" number. I really want to take Mike's lead and offer up two suggestions of my own to those poor bastards in Florida.

1. Create a robot or something to stay up day & night manning the giant snake emergency phone number answering system. While your typical human 911 phone operator might suffice for car wrecks, rape, illegal home entry or murder... giant snakes are a different story all together. Guarding against things requires constant vigilance that no human can uphold.

2. Be really super selective about this Strike Team.

Here's a few ideas:

a.) Find a leader with a cool last name like "Steel," "Dangerfield," or "Bloodhammer."

b.) Have one really big guy with a mohawk who has no problem carrying around an awesome .50 calibre machine gun through the deadly swamps.

c.) Find some guy who can use knives really well. Switchblades are a plus. Ninja swords are off the chart.

d.) One of the guys should probably have some giant scars on his face where a giant snake tried to kill him at some point in his past. Bonus points if that same giant snake killed his parents.

e.) Uniforms that utilize skulls somehow.

f.) Round up a guy for comic relief, but also give him some kind of dark secret. I'm not sure what it would be at this point, but probably something related to a secret laboratory or boating accident. Oh yeah, also make him the boat captain.

g.) Speaking of boat, you need an awesome one. Give it some super kickass anti-giant-snake features like barb wire nets, nuclear rocket launchers, sonar equipment and rotating knife helicopter blades.

h.) Have a gorgeous woman who's the ultimate secret weapon. In a perfect world, she would be the victim of some kind of lab experiment gone wrong... so now she can communicate with snakes, control them or maybe even used to be a snake herself. Also: she's the martial arts expert with a chip on her shoulder from getting dumped by the group's leader a few years before.

i.) I would suggest having tryouts & initiation before sending these people out to their deaths. You don't want some rookie out there splashing around in some lily pads like one of those blue guys from AVATAR. You need to prepare your teammates for the inevitable: 50' pythons with laser eyes, chainsaw tails, acid spit and samurai-sword fangs.

I'm sure you can come up with a whole ton of other ideas, but those are the ones that immediately came to mind for me.

Good luck, Florida. I hope Mike Knight and his crack-team of special forces badasses can at least slow these things down for you.

In Knight we trust,

-McClane

Rolled Up Magazine of Death!!

Hey faithful followers and total strangers!

And also cage fighters looking for a new way to destroy your enemies!

Today on the Tirade we'll be learning about self defense. For those of you who've been contemplating on buying a hand cannon, pepper spray, nun-chucks or some other lethal tool of death, consider saving your money and buying a new issue of Martha Stewart Living.

This guy will show you what to do if somebody tries to take your chair:

I thought that was a pretty clever twist in the end there. Just when you think he's going to pull some Mortal Kombat shit and rip his head off with the newest edition of Field and Stream, he politely offers up the chair.

OR DOES HE???

If we've learned anything today, it's this: as long as you have the newest issue of Teen People, nobody will ever bug you while you're trying to take a crap... ever.

-Fred Woodward

Say "I DO"... now with BASS!

Hey gang,

Man, I don't think I can say anything witty to introduce this video, it's just one of those things you have to see to believe.

GO SEE IT.

-Bill Dance

The Forgotten Web Standard

Yeah, this man is my new hero.

This is a slide show created by Mike Kus, designer at Carsonified, for his 2009 presentation called Graphic Design: The Forgotten Web Standard.

Just a fantastic piece that shows us how websites don't have to be constrained to lame tables anymore. As designers, we can be as free as we wanna be. To check out more of Mike's work, scope his personal website.

You're totally welcome for the plug on The Tirade, Mike. Now get that check in the mail for my promotion fee. You think The Tirade is CHEAP to run?? Man, we all gotta eat.

Sincerely,

-Inigo Montoya

P.S. Looking at all of Mike's wonderful work inspired me to crank out a new home page this evenin'. Check out the new look at mattmcclane.com.