Consider the Signal

I'm enjoying the wonderful new cover of "Down in a Hole" by Ryan Adams and the Cardinals on my way to return a massive 12' x 12' dance floor to All Occasions Party Rentals this morning, and a casual driver in front of me decided not to signal.

I won't go into detail about the dance floor (broken up into heavy 4' x 4' squares in the bed of my truck) or the wonderful Layne Stanley cover... but I will examine this new trend in Knoxville of not signaling when taking a turn.

Let me put it out there, fellow drivers: why the hell don't you signal any more?

Seriously guys. This is getting ridiculous... and if I have to put on a fake cop uniform, get one of those awesome revolving cop lights like that guy from "Police Squad," buy a .357 magnum and yell stuff like, "TRUST ME! I'VE GOT A GUN!" to people who don't signal to make my point... by God, I will. This is really dangerous stuff.

I can rattle off a pretty enormous random list of dangerous things in this world (like flame throwers, 15-day-old beef, or escaped lab monkeys with flame throwers), but not signaling could seriously get somebody killed or worse: almost kill somebody—but not—so they end up with serious brain damage.

Not to go off on a giant tangent, if you will... (and I will)... but that's always been a huge fear of mine since I was a kid. I knew a guy in the seventh grade who had a massive car wreck like this, and it caused him to be mentally handicapped for the rest of his life. I just couldn't imagine being a normal, trouble-causing kid one day and then suddenly (POW, just like that, because some dick didn't signal in front of you) you need help putting on your pants for the rest of your life. Seriously. That's terrifying to me.

All this takes me back, somehow, to my point. Please signal if you're going to turn. Man, I don't care if you signal 10 minutes before you turn... at least I'll slow down for you and not accidentally run up on your ass.

What is it about the human brain that prevents us from simply reaching down and flipping a little switch? Do we get caught up in random thought? Is that new Chris Brown single just that good? Does your girlfriend have her hand on the wrong nut? Having trouble finding the sign for that shady mechanic's garage where you're making your opium deal? What exactly is going on here?

It was rainy this morning, and I was doing the speed limit. For the record, I wasn't riding this guy's ass, but I was late for work. I guess that's a deadly combination, really, but I was obeying the laws, man. Suddenly, the guy in front of me (in some gigantic, Godzilla-sized sport utility beast) just turned. Out of nowhere. Terrified, I had to lock up the brakes, of course, in the rain—which usually causes me to pee on myself a little bit ever since I rolled my truck from sliding back in 1997—and slide my way just past his bumper.

That was one case, but case number two came when I finally made it downtown... and a guy pulled out in front of me at a red light when pulling onto State Street. This guy was in this huge hurry to get in front of me... and then proceeded to slam on his brakes and turn right immediately and casually pull into a parking lot. Dangerous? Sure. Annoying? Definitely. Frustrating me to the point that I wanted desperately to stop the truck, get out, shake my fist at him, get his address and mail him a very stern letter? Hell yes.

This guy can pull out in front of me all day long, that happens. We all do that stuff. But slamming on his brakes in front of me and whipping it into a parking lot without signaling makes me really upset. It makes me upset to the point that I want to write a huge blog about it after getting home from the bar and write in incredibly long run-on sentences.

It seems like this phenomenon is everywhere these days. I've started collecting these moments of non-signaling, and I see it everywhere... from the interstate to the country back roads. Cops are the worst at this kind of thing. (Of course, they're also the worst at not tipping waitresses, not waving back at you when you say hello on the sidewalk and planting false drug-money evidence on your grandmother to pay off the shady guy who runs the haunted amusement park.)

So listen up—all three of you who actually read this blog—let's consider signaling more often. It could save a life, prevent brain damage and cause me not to take up precious time in writing a bunch of crap about not signaling. Together we can all four band together to stop this heinous, infectious virus of a bad habit.

If not for yourself... do it for Jesus.

Hold it in the road,

-McClane