Who's this Country FOR, anyway??

Picture this: James Brolin, Tommy Lee Jones and Javier Bardem are all standing at the Jefferson County Pool. Brolin's mustache is gleaming in the sun, Jones' sheriff's badge is still stuck to his bare chest, and Javier Bardem just looks like a fucking badass.

They're all standing next to the super-deep pool, the one that's 15-feet deep. Here they are. They decide to stand on opposite sides of the pool, away from each other, and they never speak to one another... or interact at all.

Tommy Lee Jones stands there and complains about everything from the sun being too hot to his trunks riding up too much in the crotch. He looks around a lot. He cracks funny jokes to himself in a funny country accent. He frowns a bunch, and does this thing where he stares off into space and talks condescendingly to everyone around him because he's old.

On the other side of the pool, you've got Josh Brolin. He's being super cool. He's thinking of all these great ways that he's going to cannonball his ass in the pool, how he's just snuck a six pack of beer into the pool under his towel and how he'll eventually use his goggles to make a gun somehow. What a badass, man. Brolin takes the initiative to stick his foot in the water first. He submerses his foot completely in, feels the water, and smiles. This is his pool, bitch. You like him. He's a charismatic guy. He's fun to watch. He's unpredictable and interesting. You wonder... what will happen to this guy?

On the opposite side of the pool stands Javier Bardem. He's scaring all the kids around him. Adults leave immediately when he walks in. The lifeguard actually gets uncomfortable in her chair 50 yards away and leaves early, even when there's a fat kid pooping in the kiddie pool. He looks to his left, and some guy pukes just from his leering eyes. He looks to his right, and the entire fence surrounding the pool just suddenly falls over. He sticks his foot in the pool too, and the water starts to freeze up around it... steaming and cracking. Just when Brolin thought he had the pool covered... Bardem stakes his claim. This guy is amazingly terrifying. You've probably not seen someone this scary at a pool since Hannibal Lector. He gives you the chills, man. He's like a car crash.. you don't want to look at his face, but you can't stop looking at the same time. Whew. You wonder... what will happen to this guy? How is he possibly one of the most amazing characters on screen in the past 10 years of film??

What we have here is a fucking amazing scene. AMAZING. (Let me say that again: AAMMAAAZING!!!!) It's probably one of the coolest damn things you've personally ever seen. While you're watching this amazing scene taking place between Bardem and Brolin, you're just fascinated at how lucky you are to be watching something like this happen. Who's going to dive in first? Who's pool with this REALLY be? The suspense is absolutely killing you. The stakes are high. The sun is high. Tommy Lee Jones is complaining more about the sun, and whining in general about how old he is and how he shouldn't be there. But... who cares about that guy. He's just comic relief. He's there to make all the old people at the pool laugh from his 1980's "good 'ole boy" type humor. He's been watching too much Andy Griffith and he's boring you to death. Eh, forget about that bastard and keep watching Brolin. He's got an edge... he's about to do something huge here. This is going to be amazing.

Suddenly, some kid behind you screams... and you turn away for a second to make sure he's okay. No worries, though. His sister just pinched him....nothing important. You look back to the suspense-building scene you've been waiting for... for the entire time you've been at the pool. What WILL happen here???

When you look back on the scene, Brolin has run away. He's not even there anymore. He just left. Why? What exactly happened to him? WHERE THE FUCK DID HE GO???? We have no idea. Damn. What the fuck did you miss, anyway? What the hell happened to your guy????

Bardem hasn't left.. but he doesn't really give a shit about the pool anymore. He's at the concession stand getting a coke, and telling the 15-year-old chick working the booth that she shouldn't tell a soul that she saw him. Then he just pays her like 500 bucks and wonders away into the parking lot. Where did he go, anyway? What the hell happened???

Meanwhile... for some reason... Tommy Lee Jones is splashing away in the pool. He's having a great time, he's claimed the pool for his own, and he's looking at you like you're a dumbass. He shouts at you... hey man! Didn't you know that I was the guy who was going to jump into this pool? This is my pool, man!!! Fuck those other guys!! Even though you've been involved in watching them, and really interested in them... and COMPLETELY invested in them for the entire time you've been at the pool... I'm the REAL guy!!!

Watch me!!! Love me!!!! Pay attention to MY story, because it's awesome!!! I'm a complaining old man!!! The world is full of violence and I can't handle it!!!! Crime doesn't pay!!!! Let me teach you lessons!!!! Let me tell you all about my dreams!!! Let me narrate a wonderful social commentary on the state of violence and unpredictability of the world today and how it's all escalated and gotten out of control and let me tell you all about how I've noticed these things my whole life and how I've outlived my dad and let me do it in such an artsy way that it will make you forget all about how you've invested all your time for the last two fucking goddamn hours in two really special and amazingly developed characters!!!! Nevermind them!! Listen to my story because it's so special!!!!!

Then suddenly... everything goes to black.

You've just seen "No Country for Old Men."

Enjoy!!!

-M