McClane here, with another handy idea in my series of "IDEA" blog postings. From hell.
On this go-round, let's take it to the next level and push our very perceptions of reality. Let me start by saying how much I love George Foreman. This guy stands out in a crowd like Hannah Montana at a GWAR concert. (See below for reference.)
Foreman created a device like none on Earth. He created a device that would allow guys like me with really, really busy schedules and torturers who torture people with hot iron plates of pure blood-steaming pain to come together for wonderful, easy-to-prepare, healthy meals. For example, tonight I came home and cooked a whole ton of chicken tenders. Does this make me Rachel Ray? I like to think so.
Back to the point (somehow): I grilled up some damn tasty chicken. That brings me to my newest plan:
Idea: Eat a Deadly Anaconda
The idea is pretty easy. The first thing you have to do is cook the chicken. Or man flesh, whatever. After you scrape your delicious meal away from the coal-black hot metal plates, put it on a piece of wood that you've collected from the bushes outside your apartment.
The wood will make what you're about to do seem much more authentic.
Finally, crouch down in the corner of your living room and live the dream: You are a death-dealing Asian warrior who's escaped into the jungle... far away from both civilization and your deadly terrorist captors. You hunt with your bare hands. You breathe the jungle. You're ready to eat anything that moves. You're a silent, deadly killer who has just wrestled a 15-foot anaconda into submission.
Okay, here's the tricky, optional part. If you want to take this as far as literally wrestling a hose from your vacuum cleaner, or perhaps a bed sheet rolled up... or maybe even a broken-down cardboard tube from old, unused roll of Christmas wrapping paper... that's really going to make this whole thing a LOT more realistic. Give it a shot if you feel like possibly getting into your central-heat-and-air unit and shake one of those aluminum foil tubes around. Shake 'im around... looks like he's killin' ya.
Anyway, back to brass tax. Get in that corner and believe with all your heart that you've just ripped out a giant snake's throat and you've finally found a small cave to devour your meal. Pull one of those chicken tenders apart. You see that fresh, raw, sinewy meat just waiting for you to rip and tear it to pieces? You see how the blood is almost still pumping through the capillaries in the muscle tissue? YOU WANT THAT MEAT!!!! PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH!!! TAKE IT!!! TAKE THE PROTEIN!!!!
Afterwards, you might want to sleep for a while and save your energy. It's a long walk back to civilization. That is, of course, if by "civilization" you mean your kitchen. Don't forget to unplug that Foreman grill. That's a fire hazard, bud.
Until the anaconda gets the best of me, I'll be....
-McClane
3 Comments:
That's the second time in as many days I've seen a GWAR reference. Excellent! Unfortunately it also ruined my Wrob photoshop ideas since it would seem plagiaristic.
i was talking to the wall at the hillbilly's cabin, you know, the one with the mcadoo mural, and it said if you tried to tear it down or kick it or whatver, it said it would "kick your ass" and that you'd better not try or it would "tear that crazy fuck a new ass hole and stick my penis in it." i was surprised that the wall had such a dirty mouth and that it had a penis. so i told the wall to not use words like that during business hours and that i didn't believe that it had a penis. i asked to see it but the wall just called me a queer and told me to "shut the fuck up, you're next if you don't quit trying to look at my penis." so i just walked away.
what a way to enjoy dinner...
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