Letters to the Editor

Man, readers, I've got news for you: It's really tough letting down your fans.

This past month has been so out-of-control busy that I've really stepped up the pace on getting my robot clone finished up. The crazy thing about a robot clone is the hair. You've got to get the hair right, or nobody is going to buy it. The voice part won't be any trouble... I've just recorded around 1,056 consecutive hours of me talking about movies, lame stories and other random bullshit, and I figure that should last a solid two days.

It won't be long 'till "McClane X" is off and running, and I can get back to life, eating non-fast food, walking outside for more than five minutes, sleeping a full six hours instead of four and—of course—writing my life away (as therapy, mostly) on this tirade.

If you don't see me again on here for another 18 days or so... you'll know that:

1. My robot clone didn't pan out like it was supposed to. (Probably the hair.)
2. I finally generated the 1.21 gigawatts of electricity needed to get my ass back to 1955.
3. I got a job working for Steve Christy, even though Ralph warned me about it.
4. The Lybians found me.
5. My energy drink concept finally paid off. (The main ingredient: my own semen.)
6. My check bounced; I had to return the penis extension.
7. I had a flagrant love affair with Dean Vernon Wormer's wife at a toga party.
8. I actually met a single woman in Knoxville worth a damn.*

*I'd have a better chance of generating 1.21 gigawatts of electricity by spinning around in circles holding some chicken wire and a car battery.

However, the most important feature about this blog is how I'm back in action with this post. Let's live in the present, man. This is the power of now.

I've decided to run a few "letters to the editor" that I've received in my long absence from the Tirade. These people are obviously dedicated readers who've felt really let down by the length of time I've been away. Here you go:

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Hey McClane,


I'm a 40-year-old soccer mom living in Houston, TX. I really enjoy your blog; it keeps me sane amongst a very hectic schedule and managing my three children. (Nick-9, Amy-5 and Dane-2)

I followed your advice recently and tried one of your ideas from your "IDEA series." These were really great ideas and it promised to really take my life out of the monotony of cleaning windows, getting my kids to practice and cooking healthy meals to feed five.

I pretended that I was hunting a giant anaconda in my kitchen.

(Editor's note: CLICK HERE to actually read this idea.)

To add to the effect, I followed your advice and got out my extra-long vacuum cleaner hose. This hose helped me really get in touch with the vision. At first, the monstrous beast had the upper hand; it found its way around my neck... choking the life out of me. But I wasn't going to give up. I knew that I had to fight my way free in time to get the roast chicken out of the oven.

Thrashing and kicking in the kitchen floor, my husband came home with the kids just in time to see me finally rip the snake / vacuum hose from my throat, rip out its heart and taste the sinewy flesh on my lips. I screamed triumphantly as I held the snake / vacuum hose above my head in praise to my tribal lords.

Then I took out the chicken and had a nice meal with my family.

Thanks, McClane for such a neat blog! You're behind on your posts, so pick up the pace and keep up, okay? You've got families that depend on you!

Sincerely,

[Name withheld by request]


_______________________________________


Hey McClain,

R U tha same McClain in that Die Hard movie? LOL U wear awesom when u drove tha car n 2 that helicoptr. I was like WTF? lmao

P.S. rotf jk

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Mr. McClane,

For years now I've been stalking you through the streets, following your every move and waiting... waiting for my chance at revenge.

My name is Frank Stallone, and time and time again you've foiled my plans for world domination.

It all started with your English class project 1995 where you outed me as being the reason for Global Warming. I have no idea how you received this information as a 16-year-old boy, but I underestimated your genius.

In 1999 you somehow discovered my plans to ruin the interpersonal communication of all human beings with my anti-interpersonal communications ray. You made this announcement in your interpersonal communications class when you didn't have your presentation ready. Well played, Mr. McClane... well played.

In 2000 you somehow learned of my affiliation with Napster, identifying me as the sole reason for modern internet music theft as the world knows it. Do I regret this? No, my friend. I don't. At all. I still have my stolen Sisqó album: Unleash the Dragon which, to this day, remains one of my favorite albums of all time.

Again and again you discovered my plans, and again and again I had to reinvent myself. (My plan to violate and destroy Associated Press journalism ethics in 2001, my goal of sabotaging Japanese / American political relations in 2003 and funding illegal terrorist cells with the objective of eliminating general studies requirements for bachelor's degrees in state institutions in 2004.)

All this will soon come to an end, though, my life-long nemesis. Soon I'll find you; and when I do you'll have some answering to do. Watch your back, McClane.

-Frank Stallone

P.S. Dude, you're like 18 days late on a new post. Get your shit together.

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Yo McClanez,

WHatz the difference between a big pile of dead babies and a cadillac?

I dont have a cadillac in my garage.

U got owned!!

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Hey Matt,

My name is Pixie and I'm an adult film star living in Los Angeles, California. Just wanted to write and tell you that I've really missed your blog the last month. I always read it before every scene I do because it turns me on so much. Without your blog, the last two films I've shot have been really boring and my director has been getting really mad at me for not performing. Could you please write something new soon? If I can't make this next scene really super hot, I won't be able to afford groceries or school clothes for my 2 kids.

The cute little video about Billy Ocean got me so hot that I killed two stunt men with my boobs alone in the last film. They're registered as lethal weapons in 32 states, and your reading your blog is like pulling the trigger on a nuclear warhead. A nuclear warhead made of boobs. My boobs.

Anyway, take care honey and please keep 'em coming. If you ever make it out to LA, look me up and I'll take you to a really nice sushi place that I like.

Love,

-Pixie Powers

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Wow. If you're thinking what I was thinking when I got these letters, you're probably pretty amazed right now. It's so great to know that people are actually caring about what you're doing out there. To all the people I've touched with my videos, rants, reviews, ideas and love: thank you guys for reading.

Keep the letters, comments and emails coming, and take care of yourselves out there in internet land.

Hopefully we'll see you soon... at least for Pixie's sake.

Feed them kids, darlin'.

Honey Bunches of Love,

-The guy who drove that car into that helicopter