I'll punch your face off!!!!

Hello there readers... welcome to another exciting episode of The Tirade! I'm your host, Matt McClane, and today we're going to veer into a very dangerous and deadly subject:

Beating the shit out of somebody in school, possibly even your teacher.

While checking the news this morning, I ran across this amazing and awe-inspiring video. Be warned, if you're below the age of 18, run into the kitchen or the living room or whatever and consult your parents before watching this shit. Seriously. Go get them right now. You think I'm joking, short stack? I take this kind of thing very seriously, and if you don't get your parents, I'll come over there and beat your ass myself.

You won't know it's me, though. I'll wear a ski mask and/or dress up like a famous rock star. Like this guy:



I know you kids are very impressionable, and seeing something like this might inspire you to go start some shit with your teacher, mom, or some random homeless man on the streets. (That's called "Street Fighting" for those of you out there who don't know the 'lingo' of kicking ass.)

Just check this out and enjoy the purest form of American Entertainment:





Pretty intense stuff, huh? There were surely and indeed some mighty blows thrown in that one. Those ladies were mad as hell, and they weren't going to take it anymore. (By the way, if anybody can tell me which one of these women is actually the teacher, I'd appreciate it. I don't really think it makes a damn, though, since they both fought with the passion of one of those Greek or Roman Gladiator guys or whatever.)

It's a strange thing, this phenomenon of brawling in the classroom. When I was in school I saw a few pretty hard core brawls between students, but I've never (ever) witnessed first-hand a teacher-student brawl. The idea is hilariously disturbing to me.

Let's face it, kids today are vicious monsters who:

1. Don't care about the rules.

2. Kill for fun.

3. Throw quarters at people at concerts and laugh.

4. Handle snakes and/or worship the devil.

5. Drive over innocent bugs with their power wheels, pretending that they're Vietnam veteran amputees.

6. Suck the blood from old people in nursing homes.

7. Steal money from sleeping construction workers and blow it all on hookers and Valiums.

8. Drain rich people's pools and laugh when the owners are disappointed about it.

9. Use blowguns and poisonous-frog darts to settle the score with some 10th grader who wrote on their face with magic markers when they were six.

10. Burn letters into the backs of unsuspecting school principals with scorching-hot branding sticks, spelling out the words, "I was banished from my people because I made love to the chief's daughter, stole the sacred gem of power, disrespected the elders by masturbating in the holy temple and also gave away the secret location of our tribe by using a combination of megaphones and brightly-colored flairs...forever destroying our sanctity and way of life."

Yeah, imagine being a principal and walking around with THAT burned into your back for the rest of your life. You think you'll be able to explain that one to a potential girlfriend on a first date? Forget about it, bud. Those kids have ruined your life and your chances of ever getting laid by a librarian again.

So is this what we've come to as a society? Scary stuff, huh, readers?

Well, I'm not going to stand idly by and watch this carnage. Well... actually I am, like millions of other Americans. But there's one thing we CAN to as citizens, and that's train ourselves with some type of fighting knowledge to defend ourselves against potential insane student attacks.

I know what you're thinking, though. "I'm really busy. I have a super busy work day. When I get home at night, I just want to watch American Gladiators and drink a cold Bud Light. Who has time for training with a bo staff?"

You're right about that one. Well, consider these steps to avoid conflict:

1. Carry around a Bowie knife at all times. Brandish it when you have to.

2. Continually grip your fists and pound your fists into your hands when you find yourself in a location with lots of kids. (Your local shopping mall, for example, or any other community event where teens hide in the shadows with their emo haircuts, waiting to pounce.)

3. Talk with an extremely loud cadence, explaining the five bar brawls you've started and how many severed human heads you keep in your hall closet.

4. Point at people with a stern gaze.

5. Watch every single Steven Seagal movie you can get your damned hands on, and watch them a few times in slow motion.

6. Remember the Alamo. Use it.

7. Watch the below video:





8. Take pictures of yourself being highly aggressive. Put these pictures on your cell phone. If a teen approaches, pull out your cell phone and show them these pictures immediately. The teens will recognize this modern-day form of communication and more than likely run away like confused and scared deer running from a powerful and authoritative lion on the African Plains.

I've already gotten started on this one, as I've uploaded these below photos on my phone, in the event of a sudden teen/student attack:













So take this advice, readers. Trust me. These students are not to be taken for granted, and you should never underestimate their street-fighting abilities. Especially in close quarters. If you want to survive, follow the above steps and walk with confidence.

They can smell fear.

Holla.

-M