Lake Adventures and Puma Attacks

Ah, readers, readers, readers.

Chances are, you're thinking to yourself: "Where the hell has McClane been, and why hasn't he made a post in a while?" You may also be thinking to yourself: "Was I so sleepy this morning that I accidentally shampooed my hair twice?" Or possibly even: "How WOULD I go about creating some sort of half man / half monkey-type creature to mow my lawn?"

Either way, I'm here with an answer for one of those questions. (The first one.)

Last weekend, which was Labor Day weekend, I shared one of the best times of my life with some close friends from high school. I'm telling you right now: I'm probably one of the luckiest guys I know for having kept in touch and remained tight friends with amazing people that I met more than 15 years ago.

We talked about old times, man-handled some escaped pumas from the Knoxville Zoo and spent a lot of time on Cherokee Lake in good 'ole Jefferson City.

We saved an old Asian lady from being mauled in the gas station parking lot next to the Wal-Mart from one of the pumas. Let me tell you right now: Chris McAdoo specializes in making this "CA-CCAAWWW" noise, that sounds just like a powerful raven, that's been shot down by cocaine smugglers. When the puma heard this noise, he turned and charged McAdoo like the ladies charge me when I haven't shaved in a week.

Rob O'keefe rigged up this mighty fulcrum see-saw looking thing (because he's an architect) that confused the puma, flipping it over on its back. As we all know, once a puma has been flipped on its back, it can't flip over without help. We were able to throw some garbage bags over it, and drag it back to the zoo for our reward money. It was only then that we realized the puma was actually Rob's friend Brian... and we'd drank two cases of beer.

But once we figured that part out, we went back to enjoying the lake, and all the amazing things that Jefferson City has to offer.

For you people who have no idea where Jefferson City is, take this into consolation: Jefferson City doesn't know where the hell you are either, so go put that in your pipe and smoke it, losers.

Just kidding, readers! I didn't mean it. It's just that I get so angry sometimes because I'm afraid. Afraid of failure. Afraid of being alone. Afraid of the IRS tracking me down because I've avoided taxes for the past four years of my life.

At any rate, Jeff City's a pretty awesome town: If, by awesome, I mean "terrifyingly empty with no particular soul, purpose or culture. A town so desolate and evil that even zombies are scared to roam the streets." Learn everything you need to know by clicking HERE for the history, and HERE for the most powerful men in East Jefferson City.

Also, while you're driving around in Jefferson City, let me urge you to check out a magical place of pure wonder and excitement. THIS PLACE will get you right with The Lord. Or it'll drive The Lord down your throat with a railroad spike and sledge hammer until The Lord is literally spewing out of every orifice in your entire body.

If you like that kind of thing, just walk down any sidewalk or street on campus, and you'll be showered with creepy people who are extremely concerned about your personal life and beliefs. Trust me, they'll do anything they can to make sure your soul is secured with The Lord for eternity... and beyond. They'll quote ya scripture, put their hands on your shoulders and ask you a ton of awesome questions, such as: "Have you found Jesus?" "Have you felt like something's missing in your life?" "Sin is an evil germ. A germ that eats away at your soul. Would you like Jesus to be your hand-sanitizer?"

... Then they'll see you later at the keg party, most likely having sex on the hood of somebody's car in the back yard. (This really happened.)

I'll cut this short and post some awesome photos from the adventures on Cherokee Lake:

















































































After the dust settled, we all drove away knowing that we'd forever made our mark on Cherokee Lake. Especially after Rob O'keefe peed in the water no less than 42 times. (It was just beer, though, so relax.)

Feel those waves splashing against your face? It's actually pee. But it's the kind of pee that's packed full of love.

To all my old school best friends in the world: man, I love you guys!

Swarthily yours,

The Puma Wrangler