McClane doesn't respond to threats!!!

Hey readers!

It's me, Matt McClane: Internet Leader of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad!!!!!

So tonight I came home and got this email from my friend Tommy:

"Seriously, I know you're busy, but the people need some tirade. I don't care if you fart into the camera and post it as a video we need tirade. If I don't get tirade in the next two days, I'm punchin' (CENSORED) in the stomach. (CENSORED)'s life is in your hands."

You guessed it: that's a threat. That's the kind of threat that makes me want to run away, actually. It makes me want to hide under a desk somewhere. Or maybe go through an antagonizing experimental surgical procedure to change my face from the ever-loving McClane face you know into... Rick Astley.

Eat this for breakfast, Forrester:




The best I can figure on this situation: David Hasselhoff's face has been grafted onto so many men (now that it's the 21st Century), that the idea of getting an antagonizing experimental surgical procedure to change my face from the ever-loving McClane face you know into David Hasselhoff has become a bit outdated. I believe that looking like Astley would help me hide from Forrester and his fierce groin punches forever.

(Editor's note: Looking like Astley would also totally increase my chances of finally hooking up with five chicks at one time. I've tried for nearly 30 years now, but this McClane face just isn't the kind of face to attract five chicks at one time. No readers... that would be the face of Rick Astley.)

(Executive Editor's note: I was drunk when I wrote this entire blog post. However... I still do not respond to threats. I might not come over there and kick your ass... but Rick Astley will. (wink))

Peace readers, I'm never gonna give you up.

Muah.