Hola Readers,
It's me! Matt McClane again! I've never really done this before in all my blog tenure, but I was going through and editing my old posts, and I ran across this damn entry. I have no choice but to re-post it because it might be one of my all-time favorites.
Don't give me a hard time, subscribers. I know you guys have read this one before. Just think of it as an episode of Three's Company that's slipped into syndication. It might be a repeat, but that doesn't mean you can't still enjoy Mr. Roper's hilarious velvet commentary on Jack's many pseudo-gay exploits and awesome fashion sense.
Pop some popcorn, light up the crack pipe and enjoy the show anyway!
Hey ramblers, let's get rambling.
A while back, my buddy Mark Bernard and I were solving the world's problems by discussing how awesome Galactus' helmet is, or possibly how wonderful the New Avengers series has turned out to be... when suddenly he hit me with a thought.
"I could have dreamed this, but I could have sworn there was a cartoon in the 80's where a kid would eat hot dogs and transform into a car."
That struck me as being extremely familiar, amazingly random, and unbelievably brilliant. Just image it: you're a boy. You eat a hot dog. You transform into a Firebird. All in all, what a great option that gives you for picking up chicks.
Instead of trying to reel them in with compliments, pick-up lines, money or untold riches... you can just consume a super-hot penis-shaped mixture of pork, beef, chicken and heavy, unhealthy doses of fat, sodium and nitrate and change your entire body into a freakin' Ferrari.
Then you can say, "Get out of my dreams... and into... me."
Yeah, yeah, it's too easy, I know. This kind of joke gets pretty burned out super fast, but by God, we'll forge on somehow.
At any rate, this TV show DID indeed exist, and it was called Turbo Teen. After doing some research, I found the premise and ideology behind this series incredibly fascinating. Basically, he's a rambunctious teen named Brett Matthews, out to get some tail in this new badass 80's red convertible that his dad just bought him. He's listening to his brand-new Flock of Seagulls album in a lightning storm, and flies right off the damn road into a mega-super-secret nuclear military genetic research facility where some crazy mad scientist has rigged up some gene splicer laser beam that apparently combines molecules and rearranges matter. He calls it a "Molecular Transfer Ray."
You still with me?
So this teen just drives straight through the building, and ends up getting caught directly in the path of this laser cannon. I've said it before, readers, and I'll say it again: This is not lucid. Don't believe me? Watch for yourself:
He says that "an experiment was underway," but what the hell were they experimenting on?? There was nothing there... they were just randomly shooting this laser beam at the floor when Turbo Teen came barreling through the door like Kramer from Seinfeld.
Also: the words, "... causing me and my car to become one," is probably my favorite quote of the whole month. Next to the one about milkshakes.
Okay, so then you get the wacky adventures of this kid who transforms into a car. Oh yeah, where do the hot dogs come in, you ask? Well hell yeah.. the thing about hot dogs is that they mostly come hot. Apparently, when this kid gets hot, he transforms into an 80's Ferrari. When he gets cold, he changes back to a boy. Yeah... I know what you're thinking. Sometimes your feet are cold as hell but your hands are a-okay, right? Sometimes you're freezing, but your extra socks make you warm in your toes.
Turbo Teen also had this problem. When a giant tank shoots ice ray laser beams at Abraham Lincoln's face, Turbo Teen takes a big hit on his hood. Let's see what happens:
"They're gonna PAY for that!!!!!!!"
Obviously, nobody dicks around with Abraham Lincoln when Alex, the 80's token black kid, is around. (You can do the math and figure out why, I guess.)
And this brings us to a totally new angle... what the hell happens if you're cruising around as a car, on some crime-fighting adventure, thwarting evildoers with a totally sexy babe in the driver's seat, playing with your gear shift, pumping your brakes, turning your knobs and thoroughly adjusting your seat at 70 mph....and suddenly it starts raining on you, and you get cold??
Yeah, that's right, readers: you're going to kill that chick instantly, and more than likely, kill yourself too. That would be rough as hell, since the chick would technically be sitting on your left kidney, and using your large intestines as the steering wheel. DAMN YOU, DOCTOR CHASE AND YOUR DAMNED MOLECULAR TRANSFER RAY!!!!!!
That's rough as hell.
Let's take a look at another astonishing obstacle for Turbo Teen: getting hot at inappropriate times. It would be a freaking nightmare to have sex. Seriously, it would be completely impossible. You'd just be getting started when your penis literally turns into a giant, rusty aluminum exhaust pipe. I don't know about you, ladies, but to me that sounds like the most terrifying thing since Halle Berry's Catwoman in 2005. Also: if you were on top, her entire body would be crushed into pulp by your drive shaft. Whew.
Let's get a closer look at this kind of inappropriate situation:
See, this poor bastard can't even play an arcade game without getting some warm pizza splashed on him, turning him into a giant car in the middle of the arcade. Now that's insane stuff. We ask ourselves: how the hell does he get out of this one? Did he finish his game? He probably wasted a quarter on Space Invaders. If he knew he was changing into a giant car, shouldn't he have made a better effort to run towards the door? He might not have made it into the mall before his ass turned into a rear differential, but maybe he'd be clear of the innocent stand-up arcade games.
Plus, maybe he'd be closer to the Dippin' Dots kiosk. Those things are pretty cold. Maybe if Alex jammed some Dippin' Dots in his radiator, he'd totally be able to finish Space Invaders? Just a thought.
So take a look at your problems. Bills? Relationship problems? Health? Loneliness? Well... whatever it is, forget about it. At least you're not a teen who turns into a car every time you eat a hot dog. It puts things in perspective, huh?
I can't make this shit up, life is absolutely awesome.
Eating less than two hot dogs a week so I don't get brain tumors,
-McClane
P.S. "NOW TO FULFILL MY DESTINY!!!!!"
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