These people will kill you if they can

Hola Readers!

Man, long time no blog, huh? I hope life is good out there in internet land.

Do you realize how dangerous old people drivers are?

These guys are out of control. On Thursday morning, I was driving the 40 minutes or so to mom's for a little Thanksgiving love, and almost died no less than five times from negligant, unassuming stunt-coordinated, Michael-Bay-Action-giving gereatric lunatics.

I do most of my driving early in the morning or really late in the evening after dark. During those times, I hardly ever have this problem. I wonder why that is?

Well here's why:

1. These animals avoid early-morning driving situations in lieu of eating breakfasts and drinking coffee in homes with the thermostats set to 85 degrees. These people know that traffic is already dangerous enough without them before 8:00 or 9:00 a.m. They just sit back in their homes watching the morning news' eye-in-the-sky helicopter footage of wrecked semis on the interstate... rubbing their hands together like Mr. Burns. Exxxxcellent.

2. Like the opposite of vampires, these creatures don't have the ability to drive after dark. The sunshine fuels their solar-power cells, pretty much like Superman. (That is... if Superman wore Depends® undergarments every time he went to the grocery store for fear of crapping his pants beside the flour on the bake isle.)

The darkness sucks their powers away and wrecks their eyesight. In the dim shadows—to them—everything is a demon from hell sent to destroy them. You see that little boy walking home with his book bag? After dark, he becomes one of the bad guy villains from Robocop (I'd buy THAT for a dollar!!) holding a laser machine gun, a giant Scientology book and the ashes from an entire burnt dish of Werther's Originals caramel candy. TERRIFYING for them!!!!!

No, they must come out during the day, and no better time than the MIDDLE of the day. Most humans under 60 are at work during that time, and it gives them the perfect chance they need to take their death machines out onto the pavement for a daily dose of hell-bending, Mad-Max-Beyond-Thunderdome vehicle escapade. Usually to the grocery store.

These people are vicious, hate-breeding, blood-lusting maniacs, man. Pay close attention—the next time you almost die in a fiery car crash—to the old man wearing the gigantic windshield-size, jet-black space-man sunglasses that unknowingly cut you off. More than likely, he'll never see you at all. No, he'll only see the nice, blue-blocked yellow lines on the pavement, moving back and forth like a choral line on the Lawrence Welk show.

Pay attention, if you will, (and you will) to the hate-mongering old lady who's sitting upward with what appears to be her entire body glued against the steering wheel at the chest. Ironically, in sitting so close to the steering wheel, it completely inhibits their ability to actually turn it in drastic situations. (If, by "drastic situations" I mean "going around a curve.")

Stop and take a closer look at the couple who are so completely zombified and staring at the rolling landscape that they both never even notice how they're weaving over into different lanes like a mentally challenged, ex-construction worker who's cross-stitching a new monogrammed sweater.

These people have to be stopped, readers.

While hurrying along to mom's on a four-lane highway the other morning, it became pretty apparent how much old people love to drive in the left lane at 10 mph under the given speed limit. They also love to find other old people like them... who drive in the right lane as such... and drive side-by-side for miles and miles in a strange flock pattern... without ever even knowing what they're doing. They just drive right along beside each other at the same speed, completely unaware of the five-car convoy behind them. (The people who are impatiently waiting to run them completely off the road into some bottomless ditch.)

It's also strange how the flock will suddenly change direction and switch around lanes just when you think you have a second to get clear.

It's also strange how these people still have the cognitive capacity to operate a unit that can travel so fast with that many moving parts.

Anyway, this blog isn't meant to be a funny joke, bud. This blog is the real deal. If you have a chance to steal the keys away from any old person who owns a pair of those gigantic black driving sunglasses things... take it. Take the chance. Save a life. Do your part to stop these bastards from killing again.

Anyway, so Thanksgiving was nice.

Take care,

-M