Goodbye 2008! Don't let the door kick you...

Hey there faithful readers, fortune tellers, escaped nursing home patients and fans, welcome to the 'ole Tirade!!!!

If you're one of those people who stalk me, or maybe somebody who's just met me at some seedy bar, motel or Chamber of Commerce networking event... congrats! You've found me!!

Yeah, I'm that guy. Remember that awkward conversation we had about that play I wrote back in college? Yeah, the one that involved two men trapped in some type of medical clinic? You know how one of the characters had his entire ass removed in a startling crime involving an estranged 300-pound lover and a "hawkbill knife?" That was me!!!!

Anyway, I'm glad we had that moment together. Wasn't the wine at that event tasty?

So now that we're through all the formalities, I need to make a quick, important statement. As you've probably noticed, I don't talk about work on the Tirade. I mean, really... there's 100's of blogs out there that talk about work. Don't believe me? Too bad, chump. You need to open your eyes, man. The non-work-blog world you live in is just a sugar-coated topping. Beneath all the regular blogs... there's an entire underworld of blogs about work. You better wake up... before it's too late.

Anyway, I like to think of the Tirade as a sweet, adorable and sexy girlfriend. You just don't mix up a sweet, adorable, sexy girlfriend with work. In general (which means "all the time"), you just shouldn't mix up the personal and the professional. You don't crap where you eat. I'm sure you can think up a ton of other awesome analogies.

In saying all that, I just need to make an announcement here:

I've chosen to resign my current position at the company I work for, and I'm very excited about moving ahead with the next step in my career.

I'll open the floor for questions below in the 'ole comments section, and I promise I'll answer 'em with the usual badass eloquence and smart-mouthed excessive run-on sentences that you've come to know and also love from me. That's enough about that.

Next on the docket: how pumped up are you for the new year? I've said it before, and I'll say it again... if you're not pumped up yet about this year being over... you should go HERE and get pumped up. After you've got yourself pumped up, come back and finish this blog.

------ BRIEF PAUSE FOR PUMPING UP -------

I know a lot of you guys probably saw 2008 and I together out in public and thought to yourselves, "Damn, what a gorgeous couple. They just look so perfect for each other."

Yeah, it's true. Things started out so well between us. We met on one of the happiest days of my life, at a wonderful wedding. Matt & Karen Mitchell were married on December 31, 2007 on a mountain top, and we met right as the ball dropped. Coming out of another bad relationship with 2007, I was completely enamored with the beauty of those sweet, sweet curves of 2008. Those first few days were filled with excitement, breathtaking emotion and more butterflies-in-the-stomach moments than Kevin Arnold had around Winnie Cooper.

Just when things were getting along so well between us... my aunt Becky, who was like a mother to me and my mother's very best friend and close sister, suddenly passed away due to complications from pneumonia. It all happened so fast, and it all happened so horrifyingly slow at the same time. At that moment, 2008 and I separated. I don't think we saw each other for a long time.

All hope wasn't lost, though. We finally got back together one night after I fought off a horrific case of the flu, and saw P.T. Anderson's "There Will Be Blood." Things were definitely looking up. It was soon after that that I got word that my very favorite movie franchise, "Friday the 13th," would be getting a makeover and a "reimagining" in an all-new film. Also, I got my own gas grill, which opened up a whole new world of steak.

Note: Hey Margaret, remember when we first met out on our decks? I was scared that the charcoal in my old grill was about to burn down the entire apartment building. What great times!

Yeah, I started to see something in 2008 that I hadn't seen since we first met at the wedding. It was a total rejuvination. The summertime was here, and we drank together, saw some bands play together, splashed around in the lake and hung out at my sister's very own first house. I remember the time we got caught in the rain at the top of House Mountain and had to trail run through a storm to make it back to the truck. There were just so many wonderful moments and so many great times.

Then George Carlin passed away.

Then Paul Newman passed away.

Then Sydney Pollack passed away.

Then Tim Russert passed away.

Then Bernie Mac passed away.

Then Charlton Heston passed away.

Then Roy Scheider passed away.

Then Isaac Hayes passed away.

Then Michael Crichton passed away.

Then Bo Diddley passed away.

Then Stan Winston passed away.

Then Yves Staint Laurent passed away.

Then Bettie Page passed away.

Then Earta Kitt passed away.

Then Brad Renfro passed away.

Then Estelle Getty passed away.

Then Mitch Mitchell & Buddy Miles passed away.

Then Jeff Healey passed away.

Then Harold Pinter passed away.

Things were looking not-so-great for me and 2008. I was pretty tired at that point, and my job situation wasn't helping. It was a rocky ship through those times. Long hours, high stress and drowning in a sea of sudden change and uncertainty proved to be the recipe for complete insanity.

Without warning at the end of my summer, my Grandad nearly died from an aneurism. Spending weeks in the critical care unit of Saint Mary's Hospital, I sat with him night after night as he slowly healed up. He thankfully was able to come home... but within a month, his wife accidentally overdosed on her Osteoporosis medication. My Mammaw nearly died from the high dosage. She's slowly been doing better and better, and is finally back in good shape. (By the way, she just made it out of rehab today and as I type this, is finally sleeping in her own bed!!)

2008 and I were falling apart. I think we both wanted to go to counseling to try to work out our problems, but our relationship was too far gone at that point. Sure, there were some fantastic times here and there. Films like Wall-E, The Dark Knight and even Kristen Wiig on Saturday Night Live made a big difference. Filming a great movie with my close friends in Morristown and Jefferson City was an absolute blast. (Plus, they made a movie about Morristown involving a renegade ballerina on a quest for the perfect leap into love.)

Having the honor of being in a certain wedding was a highlight of my entire year. Being able to witness two people in true love come together at the end of the summer with some of the most wonderful people on the planet was just an amazing time. My best goes out to Hope and Mark. Man, I love you guys.

Our nation elected the first black president. 2008 really came through for me on that one.

In the end, however, things were just never the same. Let's face it, 2008 and I were never meant to be together. It was wrong from the start and sometimes we—as adults—have to learn to let things go. We'll both be much happier now. For my part, I'll make the choice to move on alone to new things. For 2008... well... it can go to hell; I don't care what happens to it.

I know this has been a pretty rough-sounding blog, but trust me that I'm writing it with a smile on my face. I know that pretty soon I'll run into a new year, and I'm pretty excited to see what it looks like. With any luck, it'll be just as curvy and gorgeous. Who knows... it could even bring back those butterflies in my stomach. If you run into it before I do... put in a good word for me.

Finally, I leave you with this note: There is an all-out M.V.P. award that's got to be given for best performance in 2008. This award easily goes to my mother, Carolyn McClane.

Mom weathered three major storms this year, as she very suddenly and unexpectedly lost a sister, and nearly lost both her parents in the span of three short months. The strength that she's shown in powering through this year has been unbelievably amazing. I realize, as does she, that our tiny problems are really nothing compared to the disasters and hardships that are happening all over this world... but it starts with people like her. Those people who give back however they can. Those people who go the extra mile out of love. Those people who keep moving forward... finding inspiration in the strangest of places. Those people who do it all on auto-pilot, without question. Those people who lift up.

Mom, I have no idea if you read this blog, but if you happen to accidentally come across it sometime soon, please know that I'm so very proud of you for everything you've done this year. You always used to guide me through so many problems in my childhood, and then turned me loose to live my own life as an adult... But who would know that the most important lessons you could ever teach me have been through your actions and dedication shown throughout this past year? You're an inspiration, a tidal wave of strength and an absolute miracle. I love you to death.

Okay readers... you're about to board this familiar New Year's Eve haunted amusement park ride. You know the drill. Buckle up tight. Keep all arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times. Pay attention, and when the crazy paper-machet mummy pops out from behind some plastic tombstone... raise your glass to that guy, toast to new things and kiss that beautiful sumbitch right on the lips. Happy New Year, everybody, live it up!

Yours truly,

-McClane


P.S. If you happen to see that damn 2008 out at a party somewhere, please remind it that it still owes me money. If it gives you any lip, gut punch that sucker straight in the bread basket.