Hey readers, haters and home-made film lovers,
McClane here, and you've found your way—somehow—to The Tirade!!!!
Today I'm proud to unveil an all-new promotional teaser trailer for The Rise of Tommy Don!!!!
The big question to ask here is, "What the hell IS the sauce, anyway?"
Just keep on asking, readers. Keep on asking.
Enjoy and have a great week, fools!
-M
Watch it in SUPER HIGH RESOLUTION HERE!
SEE THE MOVIE POSTERS HERE!
Monday, September 29, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Paul Newman | 1925-2008
I don't even have words for this. He was one of the very, very best.
Some of my very favorite, most treasured moments in film are due to this man. My thoughts are with his family and friends today.
-M
Some of my very favorite, most treasured moments in film are due to this man. My thoughts are with his family and friends today.
-M
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Best link ever, man
Hey faithful readers and total damn strangers!!!
Last night, while recovering from an in-sane 131 hours at work in two weeks, my trusty email told me that I had a new comment on the Tirade.
I checked out the comment, and found that it came from my good friend, "Anonymous."
Over the year or so that I've had the Tirade, Anonymous will pop up every now and then with some genius comments. Anonymous isn't afraid of anything—especially leaving comments about hard core pornography and/or sailing advice.
This time, however, was different. Anonymous posted probably the most awesome link that I've seen in a very, very long time. Normally I don't really call out comments in new posts, but this link is too amazing not to share with you guys.
Be sure your speakers are on!!!!!!
Hope you guys are having a good week. Mine has been a bloody train wreck so far, so cross your fingers that Karma will kick in soon. Over the last few weeks, I've let as many cars as I possibly can pull out in front of me, or merge lanes in front of me. The best I can figure, something good SURELY will come out of all that lane merging.
Mucho-Love-o,
-McClane
Last night, while recovering from an in-sane 131 hours at work in two weeks, my trusty email told me that I had a new comment on the Tirade.
I checked out the comment, and found that it came from my good friend, "Anonymous."
Over the year or so that I've had the Tirade, Anonymous will pop up every now and then with some genius comments. Anonymous isn't afraid of anything—especially leaving comments about hard core pornography and/or sailing advice.
This time, however, was different. Anonymous posted probably the most awesome link that I've seen in a very, very long time. Normally I don't really call out comments in new posts, but this link is too amazing not to share with you guys.
Be sure your speakers are on!!!!!!
Hope you guys are having a good week. Mine has been a bloody train wreck so far, so cross your fingers that Karma will kick in soon. Over the last few weeks, I've let as many cars as I possibly can pull out in front of me, or merge lanes in front of me. The best I can figure, something good SURELY will come out of all that lane merging.
Mucho-Love-o,
-McClane
Monday, September 15, 2008
McClane doesn't respond to threats!!!
Hey readers!
It's me, Matt McClane: Internet Leader of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad!!!!!
So tonight I came home and got this email from my friend Tommy:
"Seriously, I know you're busy, but the people need some tirade. I don't care if you fart into the camera and post it as a video we need tirade. If I don't get tirade in the next two days, I'm punchin' (CENSORED) in the stomach. (CENSORED)'s life is in your hands."
You guessed it: that's a threat. That's the kind of threat that makes me want to run away, actually. It makes me want to hide under a desk somewhere. Or maybe go through an antagonizing experimental surgical procedure to change my face from the ever-loving McClane face you know into... Rick Astley.
Eat this for breakfast, Forrester:
The best I can figure on this situation: David Hasselhoff's face has been grafted onto so many men (now that it's the 21st Century), that the idea of getting an antagonizing experimental surgical procedure to change my face from the ever-loving McClane face you know into David Hasselhoff has become a bit outdated. I believe that looking like Astley would help me hide from Forrester and his fierce groin punches forever.
(Editor's note: Looking like Astley would also totally increase my chances of finally hooking up with five chicks at one time. I've tried for nearly 30 years now, but this McClane face just isn't the kind of face to attract five chicks at one time. No readers... that would be the face of Rick Astley.)
(Executive Editor's note: I was drunk when I wrote this entire blog post. However... I still do not respond to threats. I might not come over there and kick your ass... but Rick Astley will. (wink))
Peace readers, I'm never gonna give you up.
Muah.
It's me, Matt McClane: Internet Leader of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad!!!!!
So tonight I came home and got this email from my friend Tommy:
"Seriously, I know you're busy, but the people need some tirade. I don't care if you fart into the camera and post it as a video we need tirade. If I don't get tirade in the next two days, I'm punchin' (CENSORED) in the stomach. (CENSORED)'s life is in your hands."
You guessed it: that's a threat. That's the kind of threat that makes me want to run away, actually. It makes me want to hide under a desk somewhere. Or maybe go through an antagonizing experimental surgical procedure to change my face from the ever-loving McClane face you know into... Rick Astley.
Eat this for breakfast, Forrester:
The best I can figure on this situation: David Hasselhoff's face has been grafted onto so many men (now that it's the 21st Century), that the idea of getting an antagonizing experimental surgical procedure to change my face from the ever-loving McClane face you know into David Hasselhoff has become a bit outdated. I believe that looking like Astley would help me hide from Forrester and his fierce groin punches forever.
(Editor's note: Looking like Astley would also totally increase my chances of finally hooking up with five chicks at one time. I've tried for nearly 30 years now, but this McClane face just isn't the kind of face to attract five chicks at one time. No readers... that would be the face of Rick Astley.)
(Executive Editor's note: I was drunk when I wrote this entire blog post. However... I still do not respond to threats. I might not come over there and kick your ass... but Rick Astley will. (wink))
Peace readers, I'm never gonna give you up.
Muah.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Lake Adventures and Puma Attacks
Ah, readers, readers, readers.
Chances are, you're thinking to yourself: "Where the hell has McClane been, and why hasn't he made a post in a while?" You may also be thinking to yourself: "Was I so sleepy this morning that I accidentally shampooed my hair twice?" Or possibly even: "How WOULD I go about creating some sort of half man / half monkey-type creature to mow my lawn?"
Either way, I'm here with an answer for one of those questions. (The first one.)
Last weekend, which was Labor Day weekend, I shared one of the best times of my life with some close friends from high school. I'm telling you right now: I'm probably one of the luckiest guys I know for having kept in touch and remained tight friends with amazing people that I met more than 15 years ago.
We talked about old times, man-handled some escaped pumas from the Knoxville Zoo and spent a lot of time on Cherokee Lake in good 'ole Jefferson City.
We saved an old Asian lady from being mauled in the gas station parking lot next to the Wal-Mart from one of the pumas. Let me tell you right now: Chris McAdoo specializes in making this "CA-CCAAWWW" noise, that sounds just like a powerful raven, that's been shot down by cocaine smugglers. When the puma heard this noise, he turned and charged McAdoo like the ladies charge me when I haven't shaved in a week.
Rob O'keefe rigged up this mighty fulcrum see-saw looking thing (because he's an architect) that confused the puma, flipping it over on its back. As we all know, once a puma has been flipped on its back, it can't flip over without help. We were able to throw some garbage bags over it, and drag it back to the zoo for our reward money. It was only then that we realized the puma was actually Rob's friend Brian... and we'd drank two cases of beer.
But once we figured that part out, we went back to enjoying the lake, and all the amazing things that Jefferson City has to offer.
For you people who have no idea where Jefferson City is, take this into consolation: Jefferson City doesn't know where the hell you are either, so go put that in your pipe and smoke it, losers.
Just kidding, readers! I didn't mean it. It's just that I get so angry sometimes because I'm afraid. Afraid of failure. Afraid of being alone. Afraid of the IRS tracking me down because I've avoided taxes for the past four years of my life.
At any rate, Jeff City's a pretty awesome town: If, by awesome, I mean "terrifyingly empty with no particular soul, purpose or culture. A town so desolate and evil that even zombies are scared to roam the streets." Learn everything you need to know by clicking HERE for the history, and HERE for the most powerful men in East Jefferson City.
Also, while you're driving around in Jefferson City, let me urge you to check out a magical place of pure wonder and excitement. THIS PLACE will get you right with The Lord. Or it'll drive The Lord down your throat with a railroad spike and sledge hammer until The Lord is literally spewing out of every orifice in your entire body.
If you like that kind of thing, just walk down any sidewalk or street on campus, and you'll be showered with creepy people who are extremely concerned about your personal life and beliefs. Trust me, they'll do anything they can to make sure your soul is secured with The Lord for eternity... and beyond. They'll quote ya scripture, put their hands on your shoulders and ask you a ton of awesome questions, such as: "Have you found Jesus?" "Have you felt like something's missing in your life?" "Sin is an evil germ. A germ that eats away at your soul. Would you like Jesus to be your hand-sanitizer?"
... Then they'll see you later at the keg party, most likely having sex on the hood of somebody's car in the back yard. (This really happened.)
I'll cut this short and post some awesome photos from the adventures on Cherokee Lake:
After the dust settled, we all drove away knowing that we'd forever made our mark on Cherokee Lake. Especially after Rob O'keefe peed in the water no less than 42 times. (It was just beer, though, so relax.)
Feel those waves splashing against your face? It's actually pee. But it's the kind of pee that's packed full of love.
To all my old school best friends in the world: man, I love you guys!
Swarthily yours,
The Puma Wrangler
Chances are, you're thinking to yourself: "Where the hell has McClane been, and why hasn't he made a post in a while?" You may also be thinking to yourself: "Was I so sleepy this morning that I accidentally shampooed my hair twice?" Or possibly even: "How WOULD I go about creating some sort of half man / half monkey-type creature to mow my lawn?"
Either way, I'm here with an answer for one of those questions. (The first one.)
Last weekend, which was Labor Day weekend, I shared one of the best times of my life with some close friends from high school. I'm telling you right now: I'm probably one of the luckiest guys I know for having kept in touch and remained tight friends with amazing people that I met more than 15 years ago.
We talked about old times, man-handled some escaped pumas from the Knoxville Zoo and spent a lot of time on Cherokee Lake in good 'ole Jefferson City.
We saved an old Asian lady from being mauled in the gas station parking lot next to the Wal-Mart from one of the pumas. Let me tell you right now: Chris McAdoo specializes in making this "CA-CCAAWWW" noise, that sounds just like a powerful raven, that's been shot down by cocaine smugglers. When the puma heard this noise, he turned and charged McAdoo like the ladies charge me when I haven't shaved in a week.
Rob O'keefe rigged up this mighty fulcrum see-saw looking thing (because he's an architect) that confused the puma, flipping it over on its back. As we all know, once a puma has been flipped on its back, it can't flip over without help. We were able to throw some garbage bags over it, and drag it back to the zoo for our reward money. It was only then that we realized the puma was actually Rob's friend Brian... and we'd drank two cases of beer.
But once we figured that part out, we went back to enjoying the lake, and all the amazing things that Jefferson City has to offer.
For you people who have no idea where Jefferson City is, take this into consolation: Jefferson City doesn't know where the hell you are either, so go put that in your pipe and smoke it, losers.
Just kidding, readers! I didn't mean it. It's just that I get so angry sometimes because I'm afraid. Afraid of failure. Afraid of being alone. Afraid of the IRS tracking me down because I've avoided taxes for the past four years of my life.
At any rate, Jeff City's a pretty awesome town: If, by awesome, I mean "terrifyingly empty with no particular soul, purpose or culture. A town so desolate and evil that even zombies are scared to roam the streets." Learn everything you need to know by clicking HERE for the history, and HERE for the most powerful men in East Jefferson City.
Also, while you're driving around in Jefferson City, let me urge you to check out a magical place of pure wonder and excitement. THIS PLACE will get you right with The Lord. Or it'll drive The Lord down your throat with a railroad spike and sledge hammer until The Lord is literally spewing out of every orifice in your entire body.
If you like that kind of thing, just walk down any sidewalk or street on campus, and you'll be showered with creepy people who are extremely concerned about your personal life and beliefs. Trust me, they'll do anything they can to make sure your soul is secured with The Lord for eternity... and beyond. They'll quote ya scripture, put their hands on your shoulders and ask you a ton of awesome questions, such as: "Have you found Jesus?" "Have you felt like something's missing in your life?" "Sin is an evil germ. A germ that eats away at your soul. Would you like Jesus to be your hand-sanitizer?"
... Then they'll see you later at the keg party, most likely having sex on the hood of somebody's car in the back yard. (This really happened.)
I'll cut this short and post some awesome photos from the adventures on Cherokee Lake:
After the dust settled, we all drove away knowing that we'd forever made our mark on Cherokee Lake. Especially after Rob O'keefe peed in the water no less than 42 times. (It was just beer, though, so relax.)
Feel those waves splashing against your face? It's actually pee. But it's the kind of pee that's packed full of love.
To all my old school best friends in the world: man, I love you guys!
Swarthily yours,
The Puma Wrangler
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