The Almighty Voice of Arnold Speaks...

Hola readers!

So yeah, first thing's first is the obligatory happy new year crap, right? Well, I'll be honest with you. Sometime around 11:45 on New Year's Eve, I had this weird premonition in my brain. It snuck in up there like a sneaky snake in the grass. This weird voice, which oddly enough sounded just like Arnold Schwarzenegger, told me that 2009 wasn't going to be all that awesome.

Yeah, yeah, go ahead and complain and stuff and call me Dr. Pessimistic Face. Say what you will, readers, but the voice of Schwarzenegger just doesn't lie.

I'll go on record for you right here:

"2009 is going to be a big ass bottle of lemon juice splashed into my eyeballs with a fire hose."

Hopefully we can meet back here in 362 days and you bastards can all prove me wrong. That would be an optimal situation, actually. So optimists of the world, especially the hot, single female optimists of the world, come console me about this. You guys can just fly up here to the Fortress of Solitude (a.k.a. "My Apartment") and I'll make you some bacon and eggs and we can talk about it. Afterwords we can take shots of Jack Daniel's and watch DEATH RACE... but more on that later.

Anyway, 2009 is going to suck like a retired Vietnamese shop-vac, but I'll keep on moving forward. Even though I didn't do anything wrong... 2009 has to hunt me. Because I can take it. Because I'm the hero that 2009 deserves... but not the hero that 2009 needs right now. I'm not a hero. I'm a silent guardian. A watchful protector. You know the rest.

At any rate, I'm glad to have that 2008 business out of the way now. Like with any break-up, I'm going to run a big box full of 2008's stuff by the Goodwill tomorrow. If 2008 comes looking for its belongings, I'll let it know that the starving children of Ethiopia are enjoying the hell out of its counter-rotating indoor floor fan.

Now its on to the main event. I guess a lot of you guys are reading this on Facebook or something, and that's fine. But the tricky thing about Facebook's notes is that it never embeds my YouTube videos on there. I've written Facebook many, many stern letters about this, and finally, yesterday, I got one back. Here it is, in full:

_____________________________

Dr. Mr. McClane,

Thank you for your faithful membership to Facebook. We at Facebook realize that you are probably the most important member on the entire site, so understand our urgency in getting back to you regarding this matter.

We want to let you know that your blog, "The McClane Tirade" has actually changed the lives of many of our senior program developers. One employee in particular, was so intrigued by your "Idea Series" that he actually wasn't able to make it to work the other day because he'd killed a man via your "Pull-the-Rubber-Snake-Across-the-Road-to-Trick-People-Into-Thinking-It's-a-Real-Snake" idea.

In his police statement, it seems that he forgot to arrange the big metal barrel in his back yard for burning trash. (A vital part of your instructions.) When two cars collided head-on in front of his home, he wasn't able to get rid of the evidence soon enough (no barrel). When the police knocked on his door for questioning, the employee was caught physically trying to jam the entire fishing rod / rubber snake combo into the cracks of his couch.

Needless to say, if he'd followed your brilliant plan, this would have never happened.

Finally, regarding the problems you're encountering embedding YouTube videos into the "Notes" on your profile, here's a step-by-step guide to fixing the situation:

1. Send us a check for $2,000.

2. Wait for further instruction.

3. When our IT service guides receive your payment in full, they will send a courier, most likely an intern, to the downtown bank to deposit your check.

4. The intern will then stay at the bank until the entire transaction is completed, partaking in any free coffee or snacks that are available near the tellers.

5. Once the transaction is completed, we will mail you a standard letter of acceptance, letting you know we've received your payment and action will be taken immediately.

6. By now you should have forgotten all about the problem, and gone on to bigger and better things.

7. Why are you even on the computer all the time, anyway?

8. There's a whole wide world out there that's waiting on you.

9. Do you even have a girlfriend?

10. Why not?

11. Oh, we understand. We always use that "I just like being single right now" excuse too.

12. We really like what you've done with your new home office.

13. Is that homemade chili we smell?

14. Is that a severed emo kid's hand floating in that pot?

Once you've completed the detailed instructions, you should be just fine. Just remember that we here at Facebook sincerely care about your membership and the daily usage of our site. Please continue to show that support by donating any money you happen to have lying around to Mark Zuckerberg's post-college fund, c/o Secret Facebook Underground Layer / Hidden Secluded Lake in Southern Malaysia.

Respectfully yours,

The Facebook Team

_____________________________


The whole letter struck me as a bit weird, but then again, life can be pretty crazy sometimes, and you gotta just roll with the punches. In the end, I think, everybody's a winner.

So far I've completed steps 1 through 4.

Anyway... so since the voice of Schwarzenegger was running through my mind like a soft, trickling creek rolling down an East Tennessee Mountain Hollow, I figured I'd talk about an obsession of mine I've had for years.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Japanese Commercials.

I'm guessing that a lot of you people out there are avid visitors of JAPANDER.COM, but those who aren't are obviously losers. Attention losers: let me give you some advice. Get your lazy non-japander-visiting asses over to that site right now, or I'll summon up some weird magic spell or lightning or some junk that'll make you wish you'd never even bought a computer.

OH yeah... and you homeless people who are reading this blog at your local city library... you've got it coming too, bud. You think my lightning bolts and powers and shit can't shoot through those doors and stun your asses? Trust me, guys... it can. It definitely can.

You think that librarian lady over there can help you withstand my attack? If you said "yes," you'd be wrong. You'd be dead wrong, chump. As far as I'm concerned, my magic and thunder can tear the whole roof off that library like that big ass thing from Cloverfield.

So go to that site, or face those sturdy consequences.

Anyway, you'll find all kinds of crap on that site that'll mess up your life... but one set in particular always makes my head explode like a scene from Scanners. Let's take a look at a few of those right now:














As you can see... this could be the most amazing thing I've ever watched in my entire life. Childbirth? The end of the Sixth Sense? A tornado? James Dean's haircut? The entire Faces of Death series? Nick Nolte's mug shot? All NOTHING compared to this.

Just ask yourselves, readers... how would you feel, when peering down inside your favorite energy drink, you see a little Arnold Schwarzenegger riding a unicycle taunting and laughing at you wearing sparkly clothes with lightning coming out of his eyes?

I'll tell you this: I'd never buy another brand of energy drink again. Ever.

さようなら Readers!

-McClane