Friday the 13th: Best Chronology Ever!!!!

Hey readers and machete lovers!

Because I'm beyond excited for this Friday's Friday the 13th premiere, I wanted to re-post a special essay that I created back in 2007. It's hard to believe that it's been nearly two years since I wrote this... and at the end of this essay I made a pretty harsh statement about how this series needs a re-boot.

Within only a few months after originally writing this, Platinum Dunes announced their plans for the re-make / re-imagining / re-do, whatever. It was pretty huge news. I was so happy to hear that my most loved horror icon of all time was getting a face-lift and being thrown back up on the big screen!! Here we are, only 6 days away from the premiere, and I couldn't be more pumped up to see it happen.

So now for those of you who don't really understand the magnitude of the series, and how insanely crazy it's been for the previous 11 films... enjoy this essay and you might learn something you never knew about our man behind the mask.

Slashin' the night away,

-McClane

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NOTICE: THIS ESSAY HAS HUGE SPOILERS!!! IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THESE MOVIES AND WANT A FRESH VIEWING, DON'T READ BEYOND THIS POINT, SUCKAS!!

With the first-person, machete-wielding slash of complete trepidation in 1980, The Friday the 13th series of movies began their reign of terror both in movie theaters and in my heart. Ever since I was a kid, I've been, for some weird reason, drawn to these films like Jason Voorhees is drawn to super-hot teens gettin' it on in tents and run-down cabins.

My good friend Mark Bernard and I have talked on several occasions about the most interesting thing surrounding this series of films, however, and it's certainly not the size of Adrienne King's (or Larry Zerner's) breasts.

It's the timeline.

It's a simple fact that Friday the 13th has the MOST jacked up, inconsistent, insane chronology in the history of serial cinema. Characters are all over the map, times are changed up and rearranged and consistencies are thrown out the window for really piss-poor plot devices. Sometimes, perhaps directors and writers just forget things. Maybe they don't bother with research, or... watching...the...previous... films? Maybe they actually just didn't give a damn and decided to do it their own way.

When Paramount sold the rights to the entire franchise to New Line Cinema sometime around 1990, it was pretty apparent that the powers-that-be straight-up didn't give to bowls of monkey crap WHAT they did with these characters. It's conceivably a very remote possibility that they might have even PLANNED for it to end up this way. Whatever the case may be, it's worth taking a look and breaking some of this down.

I feel that in most films, this kind of blatant factual disregard for continuity would be a huge hinderance—and the distractive nature of such things would generate more hatred than Sheriff Garris hated Tommy Jarvis for checking out his daughter in Friday the 13: Jason Lives—but in this case, I believe it's absolutely ingenious comedy. Let's break down the facts and look at the trouble spots, starting at the beginning.

[ Editor's note: most of my facts come from watching these movies a whole ass load of times, and also various, random online sources, the chief of which would be Wikipedia. Since there was that episode of "The Office" where Michael endorses this Web site, we'll just pretend it's 100% factual and go from there. ]


1. THE BEGINNING

This story technically starts in 1957.

In 1957, Jason Voorhees was said to be "a young boy," which we could only assume is somewhere between 8 and 10. It's here at Camp Crystal Lake in 1957 that Jason Voorhees, 9 years old, was apparently abused, made fun of, and then eventually drowned in Crystal Lake while the counselors, life guards and older kids were all having action-packed pre-marital sex.

In 1958, Jason was assumed dead, and his mother (as we all know) originally got her first-time revenge on two unsuspecting camp counselors... forever cursing the camp and coining the nickname "CAMP BLOOD." Jason would have been 10 years old at this point... buried dead, deep at the bottom of the lake.

Here's where things start to get weird, and it's only the movie's beginning.

We skip ahead to 1980. Here's where we meet our very first set of counselors led by Alice... and here's where we see the mayhem begin. Obviously, Pamela Voorhees is pretty pissed off that Steve Christy and company have decided to re-open Camp Blood, and everybody (INCLUDING CRAZY RALPH) knows that if they do... trouble will come knockin'. We all know that it does (mostly because nobody listens to Crazy Ralph until it's too late), and things get rough and bloody.

Since it's been 23 years since her first attack and since Jason was a little 9-year-old boy ... this means that Jason should at this time be actually 32 years old. At the movie's end, however, we see the same 9-year-old boy appear out of the lake and viciously grab Alice by the neck... pulling her backwards into the depths.

This, of course, would go down in time as being the most widely debated, weird-as-hell ending in a horror movie since Sleepaway Camp. What the HELL actually did happen there, anyway? Was it a dream? Was it in her mind? Did she imagine it? Was it a total middle finger from the director? Was it REAL? If so... why was Jason not 32 years old and instead STILL a little boy?

If we're to believe that it WAS real, and Alice somehow escaped Jason's 9-year-old clutches to be revived in her hospital bed, we must assume from Voorhees' lack of aging that he actually WAS dead at the bottom of that lake, and what came up through the water to snare Alice was a zombie. Yeah, I said it. It's the ONLY explanation that makes sense here. Jason's zombie actually grabbed Alice.. the animated corpse of a 9 year old.

Pamela Voorhees' reign of terror ends, Camp Blood is temporarily closed again... and a 9-year-old zombie is now haunting the waters of Crystal Lake. This is the beginning.


2. THE PLOT THICKENS



Two months after the events unfolded at Camp Blood in 1980, our faithful heroine Alice is brutally murdered in her apartment. (We have no idea where this apartment is geographically located, but somehow this happens.) She's murdered by a guy who we believe to be Jason Voorhees.

The insane thing is that by this time, Jason should be 32 years old if he DIDN'T die, 9 years old if he did. Two months ago, we saw a 9 year old grab Alice... at this point, the guy who murders her is obviously a full-grown man, sporting large shoes, a flannel shirt and pillow case mask. We can only assume here that he's 32 years old, the only alternative. Which means that the zombie boy who grabbed Alice in the first film was actually only a dream, or vision in Alice's head.

Let's also take a look at the setting of this prologue. Alice is hanging out in her apartment when this maniac comes flying in there in total revenge mode. Where the hell does she live? It's obviously in a city somewhere, which would be a LONNNGG way from Crystal Lake. You could actually even assume she wasn't even in the same state! How did Jason get to this location? The man has apparently grown up in the woods... in this run down shack... living off animals and God knows what else. He can't read. He can't drive. How did he FIND her??? That's just food for thought, I guess.

Now, after the prologue (and according to the subtitles), we fast-forward five years to 1985. (Friday the 13th: Part 2 was actually released in 1981... meaning that this movie takes place 4 years in the future.) That means by now Jason is actually 37 years old.

The same grizzly killings commence, and the same type of crazy shit happens. At the end of the film, of course, they discover Jason's shack in the woods, where he's apparently been living for the past 28 years, feeding off woodland animals, birds and fish. He's also got his mom's severed head in there with him, which is hilarious.

Jason takes a machete to the shoulder, then eventually unmasked, tries to kill Ginny, the female lead of part 2, by smashing through a window and scaring the shit out of her (and me). The ending is completely ambiguous, with Ginny waking up in an ambulance and her boyfriend Paul out of the picture.

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My friend Mark Bernard had some wonderful commentary about this:

"What exactly happened at the end of Part 2? In this movie, you have a last-minute-scare/dream sequence that's just as confusing as in the original film. Did Jason die back at his cabin and never crash through the window? If so, what happened to Paul at the end? If he DID crash through the window, how did Ginny survive? The prologue of part three shows Jason removing the machete and crawling away, as if to intimate that he never attacked Ginny and Paul in the cabin and instead went on to attack Part 3's victims."

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Friday the 13th: Part 3 (IN 3-D, SUCKAS!!!!) picks up IMMEDIATELY after the part 2 ends. It's still 1985 (even though this film was released in 1982, still making this a film in the future) and Jason is now still presumably 37 years old.

Upon getting up and going, Jason pulls himself together after a vicious leg wound and heads back out into the woods. He runs right up on this hilarious grocery store/petting zoo shop, run by a guy who eats fish food and drinks Sunny Delight off his own display while carrying a big ass rabit around.

(As a side note... the man randomly finds a giant snake that has slithered its way into a rabit cage. When the snake strikes at his face, he gets so scared that he runs the entire lenghth of his store and house to take a crap. Seriously. Jason finally finds him and whacks him up while he's sitting on the shitter.)

There's news of his killing spree all over the television and radio, and yet this slow-moving, heavily wounded, ninja-like bastard still manages to hide behind sheets on a clothes line and maneuver his way into slaying a whole ton of kids (and a group of riotous, ill-fitting bikers) while living in a nearby barn.

It's here, of course, that he picks up his trademark hockey mask (thank you, Shelly!), olive-green shirt and khaki pants.

By the end of a few days, this near-40-year-old Jason manages to kill everyone in the entire area, only to finally be stabbed, hung, and whacked in the skull with a giant axe by Chris, the film's heroine. Then there's a FANTASTIC last scene:



MY COMMENTARY:




Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter picks up IMMEDIATELY after this, as the cops, paramedics and other people of authority have found him hanging dead at the barn with a giant axe in his head. It's still 1985. (You guessed it, part 4 was released in theaters in 1984, meaning we're STILL a year in the future.) Jason is still 37 years old, and his killing spree starts happening AGAIN when they truck him to a nearby morgue and he wakes up, good to go.



According to the narrator of the trailer: "he moves like a shadow, dark and silent.... he never utters a word and doesn't even seem to breathe." I will totally go along with this description, and to even take it a step further: Jason Voorhees is actually the closest thing our society had to a ninja in the 1980's. It's true. Watch the films for proof of this.

Anyway, this film follows his progress as he's obsessed with traveling back to the original Camp Crystal Lake. This strikes me as being odd, as in parts 2 and 3, he didn't seem to interested in the camp at all. In fact, he steered pretty clear of the camp. In part 4, however, it's his mission to get back there and... kill stuff along the way. Let's face it: Jason Voorhees loves that damn lake, man.

Here we meet the young Tommy Jarvis (Corey Feldman = genius) and his sister, as well as another big ass group of sex-craving kids—notably Crispin Glover's Jimmy (or Jimbo), one of my favorite Friday the 13th characters of all time... for proof of this, watch this dance sequence from the film:



Then there's this really interesting guy named Rob. Rob reveals to Tommy that he's on a secret revenge mission to kill Jason, because Voorhees actually killed his sister Sandra back in part 2.

The funny thing is that technically.. that only happened literally three days before. We're to believe that this guy has been following, tracking, and chasing Jason for years... yet his sister's death JUST happened. (This could be excused, though, maybe he's just a really forward-thinking guy and got out there in the woods ASAP after he got the call about his sister.)

However, Rob whips out this little scrap book he carries around with him (also genius) full of newspaper clippings of all of Jason's killings. Well... those killings just happened days before, but the papers look like they've been in there forever. (Maybe somewhere between parts 1 and 2 he was carving some people up and we didn't see it?)

I can see how this would easily trip up a director. Hell, it's been like three years since part 2, right? I can see how Joseph Zito was all caught up in the moment and forgot that NO time has passed since then. (Plus, shit, part 3 was in 3-D. If you're directing part 4, you better be coming up with newer and better ways to top a 3-D experience. To hell with some plot continuity, bring on the naked twins skinny dipping sequence!!!!)

At any rate, this is the Final Chapter. Rob gets killed, everybody gets killed, and Tommy Jarvis pulls the wool over Jason's eyes when he shaves his head and tricks the 37-year-old guy into thinking he's looking at his old school zombie-ish 9-year-old self. Tommy whacks him up a few times, and then completely goes bat-shit in the end, cutting Jason's body up like my dad filets a fish.

MY COMMENTARY:



This is definitely when the 37-year-old Jason Voorhees dies in the year 1985 after a near-week-long killing RAMPAGE that put probably more than 50 people in the ground.


3. THE TIME WARP



We're not privy to a lot of what happened to Tommy Jarvis in the immediate years that followed his mental breakdown and killing of Jason Voorhees, but he pops up again when Friday the 13: A New Beginning opened in 1985. When we next see Tommy, however, he's grown up quite a bit. Many references are made as to how old he could be... he's obviously not quite 18 yet, but nearly there. If we're to assume that the young Tommy Jarvis was not older than 11 when he killed Jason, it's safe to guess that it's been a solid six years since the fourth film.

Although we're never formally told, let's assume it's 1991 at this time, and Tommy Jarvis is 17 years old at the halfway house. We're officially six years in the future now.

Jason Voorhees only appears in flashbacks in this film, as the killings are being done by a copycat... only furthering Tommy's obsession and hatred of this hockey-mask-wearing, long-dead maniac. Tommy keeps a hockey mask handy, and by the end of the film we're to believe that Tommy's gone completely psycho, as he's shown wearing the mask and preparing to attack the halfway house director. (Weird, man.)

We have absolutely no idea what happens after this.

When Friday the 13: Jason Lives (part 6) opens in 1986, we see an even OLDER Tommy Jarvis, seemingly perfectly sane and extremely motivated, traveling to the grave site of Jason Voorhees to dig up the remains of his chopped-up body and burn him into ash. From his looks, it would indicate that it's been at LEAST three or four years since the incident at the halfway house... meaning that the year would be at least 1994.



We're in the future again, and this time the future is marked by hilarious paintball games, beyond-genius dangling rock and roll earrings, 80's heavy metal (most notably Alice Cooper.. oh HELL yeah!!!) and stirrup pants. Tommy revives Jason by accidentally jamming a gigantic metal fence post in his chest. A lightning bolt randomly hits the metal post... surging his body with electricity, and Jason is up and going again.

MY COMMENTARY:



In the 9 or so years since we last saw Camp Crystal Lake, the powers-that-be have re-named the entire town "Forrest Green" so that people will hopefully forget about that whole "Camp Blood" business from nearly three decades ago. Jason, however, doesn't really accept change very well, so he decides to make his way back to camp and kill as many motherfuckers as humanly possible along the way.

It's brought to our attention here that Jason has become "even more powerful" and "more powerful than we ever imagined" or something, because he's gone from being a super-tough 37-year-old dude who can take an axe to the head... to becoming the equivalent of a walking corpse with superhuman strength, agility, stamina and speed. His flesh is rotting, his skin is falling off, green and brown, and you can see shards of bone and maggots crawling through him through the entire film... yet he's a f'n superman. The guy can punch through metal (or human beings), run faster than a speeding bullet and fly.

(Okay, so he never flew in the movies, but don't think that just because we never saw this happen he can't do it.)

I'm going to go ahead and say that his age doesn't really matter at this point.

By the end of this rampage, Tommy has trapped Jason with a huge chain noose and a massive boulder at the bottom of Crystal Lake and gone off to live happily ever after with the dead sheriff's daughter, Megan. Jason is alive and well, however, in the year 1994, at the bottom of Crystal Lake, where Tommy says he'll be "home."

MY COMMENTARY ON THE ENDING:




4. FURTHER INTO THE FUTURE

When Friday the 13: The New Blood opened in 1988, we're never given any title card of how many years have passed since Tommy threw him in the lake with a boulder. However, the director of this movie, John Carl Buechler, says on the director's commentary that 10 years have passed by. This makes sense, since the entire camp is gone... replaced by a residential area of super-nice lake homes.

If 10 years have passed by... the year is now 2004 when part 7 begins. The movie opened in 1988, putting us a full 16 years in the future. Hell, it might be even later, depending on the Forrest Green legal system, strict, red-tape zoning policies, any indian burial grounds that are probably scattered around there and tree huggers—because Crystal Lake was notorious for those damned hippies.

Side note: Jason Voorhess was stuck in the lake for 10 years, with only a chain around his neck, tied to a boulder. When he comes back to life in this film, he was only a few yards from the dock next to a massive lake house. ...That means that for 10 years, that maniac re-animated corpse with superpowers was just hanging out down there, just below the surface of the water. Ever think about how awesome a "Part 6 1/2" would be? The entire film would just be Jason grabbing swimmers, fisherman and wake boarders and squeezing their heads off under the water. (John Carl Bulcher should have thought of that!! He could have scattered fisherman skeletons all around Jason before Tina turned him loose.)

Jason squares off against a really poorly orchestrated telekinetic teenager named Tina in this one (who's powers mostly consisted of smashing light bulbs, and throwing household objects like that kid from Home Alone and also reviving the dead just like Jesus Christ), and although the killing and maiming is extremely fun and addictive to watch:



...it never achieves the personal heights of brilliant, groundbreaking storytelling that parts 1-4 (or even 6) made famous. By the end of the film, Jason is trapped once again under the lake by Tina's long-dead (but not aged or decomposed? Thanks Tina / Jesus!!!!) father, and everybody lives happily ever after.


5. NEW YORK HAS A NEW PROBLEM, WE HAVE A PLOT PROBLEM

Since there are no plot ties, characters, landmarks or title cards to clue us in on how much time has passed since Tina's undead father dragged Jason back down into the depths of Crystal Lake, we have absolutely no clue what year it is when Friday the 13: Jason Takes Manhattan (part 8) begins. (The movie actually opened in 1989.)

We could assume only from the wreckage that he's buried under that it hasn't been very long at all.. maybe even less than a year. From his ruined, biodegraded clothes alone, let's say a full year has passed, making it the year 2005 when Jason is revived by yet another electrical charge from a boat.

He's able to grab a boat anchor and climb back up out of the lake, which puts him back on track for more slicing and dicing. On the boat are two teens having sex (Jason hates some teens having sex, man. You don't do that around him, seriously), so it's back to business.

Interesting note: The guy on the boat is trying to scare his girlfriend by telling her a story about Jason, and he explains that he died in the lake "about 30 years ago." Dude, this guy is way off. Jason actually died in that lake nearly FIFTY years ago!!!!

For whatever reason, Jason somehow makes his way all the way to the coast, where he hops on a cruise ship full of recent high school graduates heading towards New York City. (Yeah, a cruise from Crystal Lake to New York City always struck me as weird too, but who gives a damn, it's hilarious.)



Even though this film was called "Jason Takes Manhattan," he actually only "takes it" in the last 10 or 15 minutes of the movie. The entire bulk of the movie takes place on this deadly cruise ship, as he kills nearly every son of a bitch on board, including Kelly Hu, the brlliant captain of the ship and the hilarious deck hand guy, who was the closest thing we've gotten to Crazy Ralph since he was strangled back in part 2.

This film also pushed the buck in terms of Jason's maneuverability, ninja skills and outright apparent teleportation techniques. He goes from alleyways to rooftops, from hallways to front decks and bounces across entire rooms with the literal blink of an eye in this movie. It's right on the edge of being outrageous, but then you think.... hmm... maybe this sumbitch can actually shift time and space and just teleport wherever he wants by now? I have no theories here, just the facts.

Also: it's important to mention the infamous rooftop boxing sequence, which solidified this film as having one of the most hilarious death sequences in the history of the series:



(You may want to go ahead and watch that again, just in case you thought I made it up, or you were dreaming, or maybe ate some bad hot dogs or something and imagined it. Go ahead, induldge.)

This is an interesting note, by the way, about New York City. On Wikipedia, they make a note that the depiction of New York City in this film might seem strange to "young viewers" because New York was in an economic downturn, crime was rampant, vandalism and graffiti littered the city, Time Square was a haven for prostitutes and drug dealers, so THUS... Jason visiting the most dangerous city in America made "poetic sense" at the time.

Unfortunately, their directors, writers and producers seem to have completely boned that shit up, because the year was literally 2005 when Jason "took" Manhattan... nearly 16 or 17 years in the future. Jason wouldn't "take" Manhattan in the late 80's... he'd "take it" after the turn of the century. He'd "take it" after 9/11 and after New York gained an all-new face-lift. Hate to make you guys wrong, Paramount, but seriously... you kinda jacked that one up.

ALSO: The main female character in this film, Rennie, has a very strong fear of water. We're later enlightened that this fear stems from a horrifying incident she had in her youth. She currently has these reoccurring nightmarish flashbacks of a nine-year-old, bald Jason Voorhees reaching up and grabbing her in the lake when she was a little girl. (I'd be scared of getting in the water too, if I saw a pissed off, jaded, bald retard coming up through the water and grabbing MY damn feet!!!!)

BUT.. we have a major problem here. The year is currently 2005, and she's just graduating high school. It's safe to say that she's 18 years old. In her flashbacks, she's around 8 or 9 years old when this small Jason is grabbing her in the lake. That was about 10 years ago. Well, 10 years ago, it was 1995, and a 37-year-old / undead Jason Voorhees (that had been previously buried for nine years) had actually just squared off against Tommy Jarvis... who tied a big ass boulder to his neck and tossed him in the lake.

Sorry, writers, you guys dropped the damn ball again.

The ending of this film was the weirdest, most highly debated scene in the series (next to the ending of Part 1, of course), when we see Jason get doused in Toxic Waste in a New York sewer (because New York has all that toxic waste that they flush down city sewers in 2005... every night at midnight), and he apparently turns into a very small, naked 9-year-old crying boy.

We're left here with this image of him... just lying there in a puddle of toxic waste, shivering and crying... literally 9 years old again in 2005. Full circle. This guy went from being 9 years old in 1957 to being 9 years old in 2005. Technically, at this point, he's 57 years old, and suddenly he's 9 again. I have no idea, and neither does any human alive.


6. TO HELL AND BACK... MAYBE?



At the beginning of Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, the F.B.I. have FINALLY taken notice of Voorhees' hobbies of cutting people up like sushi and decided to team up with tons of other guys with guns and spotlights and kill him once and for all. This is really understandable. We don't know what year this is, and we also have NO idea how:

1. Jason got all the way back to Camp Crystal Lake (or Forrest Green?) from New York City without being spotted, seen, or caught.

2. Jason managed to change back from a crying 9-year-old boy and back into a giant-sized undead killing machine with his old beat-up hockey mask.

3. The F.B.I. decided to get involved, finally, and do something. (You'd think after a guy is responsible for killing more than 200 people, somebody would seriously take notice and try to stop him. I mean, damn, where's Jodi Foster from Silence of the Lambs, you know?)

[ Editor's note: There's an interesting note on Wikipedia that explains the circumstances by which the F.B.I. mounted their big Jason-hunt.... and apparently it stems from Jason's existence being publicly confirmed, finally, after he single-handedly kills mostly everybody in the Phoenix Heights Hotel (?). This was from the novel Hate-Kill-Repeat, an extension of the series. Go figure. ]

At this point in the series... Paramount Pictures had sold the entire franchise to New Line Cinema, and it's pretty obvious that they simply didn't give a damn. It's apparent by now that the filmmakers didn't care or weren't concerned about continuity, characters, history or time... they just wanted to tell a REALLY insane story based on this character. It was released in 1993, but time would dictate that this film would HAVE to take place sometime after 2006, possibly even as far into the future as 2010.

This film was absolutely insane, with the high points being:

1. Creighton Duke, the strangely effeminate-yet-macho (obviously gay) bounty hunter.

2. We learn about Jason's sister, see Jason's mom's GIGANTIC HOUSE that's never been mentioned in any film before.

3. Kane Hodder, who played Jason in many films before (brilliantly) as a security guard, who calls Jason "a big old pussy," and is killed by the Jason-possessed coroner.

4. The hero kid wears glasses.

5. The Necronomicon was in the basement.

6. The jungle gym at the end was the same one used in Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds.


It's also noteworthy to mention that the original script featured Jason's previously unmentioned father, "Elias," as the real killer and included a backstory about Pamela Voorhees' involvement with the occult. Although it was re-written, I personally feel that this was an AWESOME plot device, and would have really liked to have learned more about this occult business. I think that's a pretty fascinating side of this whole thing, and might have lead to explain more about Jason's weird story than just having a big, slimy demonic-looking worm crawl down people's throats.

Of course, by the end of this film Jason was defeated by a knife, or a woman, or something, and then Freddy Krueger's bladed hand pops up from some sand and drags Jason's mask under the ground, presumably to hell.


7. EVEN FURTHER INTO THE FUTURE. WAY FURTHER.

At the beginning of Jason X (part 10), we learn that in 2008, Jason Voorhees will be finally captured by the US Government and finally in 2010 they decide to put the damn guy in "cryogenic suspension" just like Han Solo for safe keeping.

However...if he was dragged down to hell by Freddy Krueger in 2010, how the hell did they finally catch him in 2008??? Wouldn't he have been on his way back to the camp from New York during that time? If that's the case... did part 9 even really happen???

If it didn't happen, everything would actually start to make sense for this transition. I like to pretend that part 9 actually didn't happen at all, and the Feds just picked him up on the side of the road somewhere after he chopped up all those poor bastards in the hotel.

However... it had to have been during this time that "Freddy vs. Jason" takes place. In that movie, he's back at the camp, technically... he rises from the dead again (I think?) and starts shredding up more teens. (Especially the foul-mouthed Kelly Rowland, my favorite character in the movie. She drops an endless amount of f-bombs in that film.)

We never know what year this happens, but it's got to be before 2008, right?

Anyway... years pass while he's frozen in a giant block of ice.

Of course, he thaws himself out in 2455 and kills almost 30 people aboard a space ship, and probably hundreds more aboard a space station when he kills the space ship's pilot and causes the ship to crash into the side of it. (Genius.) This movie apparently had more kills than any of the previous films, but since the kills were on a spaceship, I didn't really take them seriously. To be honest, I have a hard time believing that this movie even exists most of the time.



At the end of this space berserker love story, he ends up crash landing on "EARTH 2" in 2455, in some lake, and that's where we FINALLY leave Jason.

So currently, he's soaking up lake water on some other Earth planet, covered in weird shiny futuristic armor in 2455. (It's funny how these things work out, huh?)

This is all a huge mess, as we're never told how Jason got out of hell, or how he ended up being buried back at Crystal Lake, (or Forrest Green?) or how his powers work, or why he's not a 9-year-old toxic waste boy, or how his body got put back together (including hockey mask) when a small, slimy worm crawled up the vagina of his dead sister. (Seriously.)

I think there's seriously room for a WONDERFUL remake here. If somebody would please step up to the plate and write a really interesting (and not cheesy) script for a remake (not you, Rob Zombie), I think it could be a fantastic project for a horror film.

In the mean time, enjoy this video... my all-time favorite Friday the 13th feature on YouTube... every single kill from every single Friday the 13th movie ever made. Spread the Jason Voorhees love!!!!

-M