Sup pop culture fans & rabid, flesh-eating, virus-infected zombie lovers!
Before I begin today's Tirade, let me clarify something in that first sentence. There actually will be no references made to zombies beyond this point in the post, but it helped me achieve my daily 'horror reference' quota that you people are thirsting for.
Now on to other terrifying notes of horror:
CNN's obsession with Jessica Simpson is incredible.
I just hopped on CNN to see the newest updates in murders, deaths, disasters, political criticisms and other worldwide carnage, and right under a story about a cross dressing student who was sent home from school and another Sarah Palin sighting, we have a headline that reads, "Jessica Simpson Finds a Bosom Buddy."
I don't know about you, but the first thing I was praying for was a gigantic story about Simpson buying stock in THIS COMPANY, because that would be my favorite story of the entire year.
It's also not a story about Jessica Simpson's fresh discovery of a newer, better third boob growing inside her other two. Don't try to tell me you haven't fantasized about that type of thing.
No, it's basically a story about CNN's obsession with Simpson and the network's constant, vigilant stalking of her every move.
In short, it all began with Dolly Parton making a really funny comment about her boobs on Twitter, all in good fun. I think it's pretty great that Parton is Twittering, especially about her iconic boobs, which she obviously has a wonderful sense of humor about. (And why wouldn't she? I have a great sense of humor about my valuables.)
Editor's side note: Dolly Parton is effing awesome and anybody who disagrees can just sit back and wait for the knock at the door. My friend Melanie will single-handedly tear down your front door with a crowbar and pummel you senseless with a tire-iron until you genuinely start to like Dolly Parton. Then, when you're a big pile of wadded up cookie dough in the I.C.U., she'll bring you some cupcakes and "The Fairest of Them All" album from 1970.
You can read the article if you feel like gaining a new perspective on Dolly's latest and current boob status. It should technically be a massive story about Dolly Parton's boobs and how cool she is about 'em, etc. Unfortunately, Simpson made a TWO WORD TWEET in reply to a Twitter post by Parton.
Simpson's reply: "Amen sister :)"
Because of this two-word reply to a Dolly Parton Twitter post, CNN warrants an entire article about her boobs, as well as a headline at the top of the news list for the day. Simpson writes two words and CNN goes apeshit.
If you'll pay close attention to the exact web address of the page, it's labeled: "Music/11/04/dolly.jessica.breasts/index.html"
Am I the only one who thinks this is absolutely genius? I can't say I blame CNN for this kind of thing, really. Those guys probably get super tired of writing about Afghanistan, child murders, deaths, natural disasters, bleak Supreme Court decisions and constant political smack downs. I'd want to throw a little something in there about Jessica Simpson's Double D's too.
Even better are the "Story Highlights" on the side of the page. This article is only (exactly) 322 words. Do you really need a three sentence graph on the side of the page summing up 322 words? Maybe so. The highlights read:
• Dolly Parton tweeted Monday about back pain caused by her large breasts
• Simpson, a longtime fan of Parton's, tweeted "Amen sister" in response
• The singers' cup size -- double D -- has been a hot topic throughout their careers
Yup, that sums it up pretty well.
I'm not going to lie here, Jessica Simpson is fun to write about. For the same reasons that I made fun of her for nearing suicide after her dog was eviscerated by Coyotes, I'll definitely continue my Simpson coverage here.
(Speaking of poor Daisy, check this People Magazine article where Simpson gets super pissed when people try to help her find the dog.)
Curious about this phenomenon, I clicked on Simpson's name, bringing up her tagged articles from the past. There, I found an entire gold mine of brilliance. A few favorite articles to read are:
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"Jessica Simpson is open to online dating"
"Jessica Simpson roughs it in Africa"
"What Jessica Simpson wants in a man"
"Jessica Simpson likens breakup to a 'Death in the Family'"
and my very favorite: "Jessica Simpson's Coyote Nightmare: Common and Preventable."
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The awesome thing about making CNN / Jessica Simpson commentary is how it's all on auto pilot. I haven't had to make one single bad joke about any of these headlines... just list 'em all out for you. CNN takes care of the humor for me.
One last note, when my band, "The Yellow House Home Brew" re-unites in 10 years for our Christmas Reunion Album, you can bet your ass that we'll be calling the album "Jessica Simpson's Coyote Nightmare."
Thanks, CNN!
-M
P.S. This first-rate video was posted by the good people at Random & Trite, and I can't help but re-post it. I can't stress enough how I can't stress this enough. (Damn snitches.)
Editor's note again: No, I am not an Alabama fan either. But this kid is hilarious.
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