I'd like to honestly tell you that every Monday I'll be talking about the latest in hot celebrity news, gossip and events, but that's the most idiotic shit I've ever heard in my life.
No, I just have two quick points to make on this November-Rain-Ridden Monday.
1. TIGER WOODS.
Come on, media. Seriously? The guy felt like hitting a tree with his car. Back the hell off. This is one of those times when being a celebrity really sucks. Actually, to say that more accurately, this is probably the 1,495,245th reason why being a celebrity sucks.
I know how he feels, really. One time I backed my truck up into a giant concrete hand rail at the Yellow House in college. The concrete dented the hell out of my bumper, and it seemed the cops and local newspapers were there in seconds. Jared McClane and I had to make up some big story about me slipping on the clutch while on our way to feed the homeless to protect myself from the REAL truth. (We were carrying in a bunch of cases of Natural Light and I accidentally smashed into the stairs while trying to get the truck as close as I could to the door because we were lazy and also some chicks drove by waving.)
Anyway, who cares what the guy was doing? He could have been doing anything from sleepwalking to mindlessly doing his mad-scientist-master's evil bidding.
Everybody knows how those mad scientist guys plant tiny robot chips inside people's brains that force them into doing all kinds of stuff against their will. What do you think actually caused Margot Kidder's incident? You think Eddie Murphy actually likes getting it on with transvestites? You think Hugh Grant actually enjoyed hooking it up with prostitutes? You think that Nick Nolte's amazing mug shot was all his fault? (Well. You know.)
Bottom line: the guy doesn't have to explain a damn thing.
CNN: Shouldn't you have some Jessica Simpson stories to cover?
2. LUKE WILSON
Man, I just caught some cell phone commercial this weekend that had Luke Wilson throwing a bunch of crap on some giant map of America. I guess he was talking about how many places you can call or something.
Editor's note: I guess it's important that you have the ability to call the furthest reaches of Alaska, Hawaii or space with your cell phone, but how much bearing does that really have on you when it comes time to renew some contract? I guess it's pretty important, according to the business guys and Luke Wilson. I personally loathe cell phones and I hate text messages even more... but if some sales guy told me that I'd have the ability to call any given location in the entire nation from Maine to Southern California, I'd totally buy the service and call every possible human being I could. (That includes you, Hermit Johnson. Now with this new Luke Wilson cell phone plan, I can even reach you in the furthest regions of your cave deep in the cracks of the ice-cold Rocky Mountains. I'll look forward to our phone conversation tomorrow about last week's episode of Desperate Housewives.)
Anyway, you gotta wonder why Luke Wilson is fat now, right? Man, the guy looks really rough! Typically I don't care about this type of thing, but I've always identified with Wilson's skinny ass and slightly whining cadence. Now the cadence is still there, but the thinness skipped town with his dignity for doing a cell phone commercial.
Yeah, yeah, I know it's shallow, sure. But, dammit, Wilson has been a life-long man crush for me and this kind of thing is really disappointing. I equate it to the nightmarish feeling of confusion that would follow seeing Chris Farley or John Candy appear on a cell phone commercial looking 155 pounds. Damn I miss those guys.
Anyway, that should wrap up Celebrity Monday on the Tirade. I don't think I accomplished anything or made any coherent points... but, by God, it's America. Here in America, we have the right to completely obsess over celebrities and subconsciously act like total narcissistic idiots when discussing their personal lives.
May the wings of liberty never lose a feather,
-McClane
2 Comments:
Pork chop sandwiches!
Sorry, just wanted to make sure everyone knew I was back from 4 days in the midwest.....
Too bad I didn't know you were out there in the midwest!!! I would have made sure my cell phone plan enabled me to reach you by consulting some big ass map with a bunch of postcards.
Hope you had a good holiday, sir!!!
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