Later on, Newman.

Hey daytime soap opera fans!

Ever since I was born, my wonderful mother has been a die-hard fan of Young & The Restless. If you've never seen an episode of this show, you can either stop reading this right now, go hook yourself up to some machine that kicks the hell out of you, or publicly admit to being a total loser who drinks your own pee.

It's awesome. Since mom recorded it every single day and watched it later in the evening after we'd all made it home from school, I practically owned the show growing up. That's right... from that show, I learned everything there is to know about friendship, relationships, sex, running an empire, fighting and how to give someone a letter and have your own voice actually read it out loud while the person reads it.... even though you're 100 miles away.

Let's also not forget the positive lessons learned about alcohol and drug abuse, as well as safe sex and how awesome off-screen car wrecks are.

Anyway, sometime along the way I think I grew up or got a job or something and stopped watching it. However... something kept randomly pulling me back. It was some insane force of nature... some kind of tidal wave of sheer power.

It's been said that a man is just a man... but in this case, whoever made up that crap is totally wrong. I guess it could have been me, just now, who made that up. Anyway... this is a man who transcends other men. Women want to get it on with him, men want to be him and children run in fear from his stern, mumbling voice and earth-shaking, all-powerful facial hair.

That's right... it's Victor Newman, and his mustache of ruthless devastation.

Somebody told me he was on the cover of Badass Magazine this month, so I ran out to get my own copy as soon as I could. Then I found out that Badass Magazine doesn't even exist, so I just made this myself:

Anyway, it was announced not too long ago that today, November 2nd, 2009, would be Victor Newman's last day on the show.

If you were God, you would have heard 100,000,000 gasps from every woman (and probably a ton of dudes) across the globe. How could this happen??? This man has been the foundation to this show for more than 25 years and suddenly he's walking?

Looks like we can thank the corporate dicks at Sony & CBS for making this happen. You can read all about the entire fiasco here, but in short... they denied Newman a little bit of cash... and now the only thing these guys have to look forward to is a slow, painful ass-beating from a man who has nothing to lose.

If I were those cats at the network, I'd get a ton of security cameras, a bunch of vicious, gunpowder-fed mutant dogs, multiple cans of mace, some guns like the ones in that Matrix movie, some holy water, an alligator, a catapult armed with severed human heads, dig some tiger pits and cleverly hide them with bamboo, some hostages, a gun that shoots paste, a few German tanks, a kung fu manual, some old gypsy or asian woman with the ability to see the future in a big cauldron of pea soup and severed human body parts and a few albums by The Smiths while barricading themselves in some giant concrete bunker waiting for death to come knocking on their 20" thick steel door.

At any rate... it's just seriously really sad that Victor is leaving the show. I mean, jeez man, I grew up watching that guy operate. He was like a dad to me, really.

While I don't remember a whole TON of his exploits, here are some moments that I clearly remember from the show. (As far as my memory goes:)

• When a little girl was trapped under a burning building in Genoa City, Newman came to the rescue. As I recall, he sprayed himself down with Jabot perfume (fire retardant) and physically chopped the building down with his damn fists. I'm pretty sure the little girl died or whatever, but it was awesome.

• When a masked assailant robbed Jimmy's bar and outran the cops, Newman came out of nowhere to stop the guy... by jumping off the roof of some random building on a telephone wire. Taking justice into his own hands (as usual), Newman strangled the guy with the wire, electrocuting and burning the guy alive. In the following episode, Victor pulled out all of the robber's teeth so they couldn't identify the body at the morgue and dumped the body into Genoa City Bay.

• When Danny Romalotti's sound system screwed up at one of his biggest concert events, Newman re-charged the equipment by piping an electric car battery directly through his mustache and back into the sound board.

• At one point in the show, awesome old woman Katherine Chancellor had a heart attack. Newman just happened to be walking by, for some reason, in her living room. Taking action, he realized that he never properly learned CPR or whatever... so he ran to the horse barn, punched a hole through one of the horses, removed its still-beating heart and transplanted the horse heart into Chancellor's body with an ink pen and paper clips.

• When terrorists stole a helicopter from the local news station, Newman happened to be flying by in his modified harrier jet craft. Instead of trying to talk the terrorists down or even shoot missiles at 'em, Newman buzzed by the helicopter, ejected himself directly into the helicopter blades and used his entire body to crash the whole thing into the Bay.

• When his wife, Nikki, got captured by the Genoa City mafia, it was Newman who saved her by roundhouse kicking a hole through a bank vault. Unfortunately, he played right into the mob boss' plan... since they were after the money all along. This didn't deter Newman, however. After he got it on with Nikki in the parking lot, he went back into the bank and set the money on fire with his heat vision. "Ha!" he screamed at the mob guys, "let's see you get rich of those ashes, you bastards." Then he threw a can of gas through the window of the bank and killed everyone in the building.

• While enjoying a leisurely horse ride with his son through the woods, a rabid grizzly bear suddenly appeared on the trail. The horses spooked instantly, bucking Nicholas off to the ground. Newman wouldn't have it, however. He picked up his own horse, ripped it in two with his bare hands, and turned it into a makeshift pair of nun-chucks. (The spine still connected the horse's two halves. I don't know how in the hell the special effects guys pulled this one off, but they got a big tip of my hat, that's for damn sure.) Anyway, he pummeled the hell out of the bear... but didn't kill it. He left that part to Nick. "Sooner or later, you must learn to kill," Newman told his son.

• When some experimental radioactive sharks escaped from the secret division of Newman Enterprises, it was up to Newman himself to get back his property before they could grow big enough to swallow the entire Genoa City Bridge. Newman cleverly sliced his own wrist to draw them in with his own blood... then allowed one of them to eat him. Once inside the shark, Newman took over its brain and forced it to attack the other one. I clearly remember this being a three-part episode, but I can't remember exactly how it ended. Don't quote me on this one, but I'm pretty sure he built himself a giant robot octopus with laser flame throwers and buzz saws to finally take down the shark.

Anyway, since today was The Mustache's last day on the show, my friend Lisa and I decided to have a "Farewell Victor Lunch" to say our goodbyes. After enjoying a nice lunch, we both sat and stared for what seemed like hours of Newman holding some puppy while making baby noises at it.

I'm not sure that was a fitting ending... but it happened. Here's some highlight pictures from our sad, 'goodbye Victor' lunch today:

Luckily, Victor and Nikki are now headed off to Belgium or Europe or something for some secret experimental surgery... so it's a good possibility that those dumbasses at Sony & CBS will come to their senses and get Newman back on the show. At least they had enough sense to not blow him up in some car bomb, take a bullet while protecting a cat or getting electrocuted by a bad toaster or something.

Finally, it is with great pleasure that I share a poem with you that Lisa wrote for the occasion today. I thought it was very fitting, and it was extremely awesome to have a poetry reading in my apartment. (It's way better if you picture her reading it with that fake mustache, holding a shotgun and a big poster of Jack Abbott's face with a mustache drawn on it.)

_______________________________________

ODE TO VICTOR

Very little you had

A childhood so bad

Overcoming obstacles you can

You made yourself a "New-Man."

Wise and tough, rugged and rough

The last to take pity

are the residents of Genoa City.

You made many enemies

You made many friends

The feud with the Abbotts

May last 'til the end.

He called you "The Mustache"

And over the years

Many things have caused you and Jack

To Clash.

You've loved many ladies,

Even though you had a vasectomy

You somehow made babies.

Nicholas, Victoria, Adam and Abby,

Your children have grown

To be far greater than shabby.

If ever you are on your death bed

Your biggest fans will know

It is Nikki that you will wed.

For so long you have been the heart

of Genoa City you were the biggest part.

Missing a day, a week or even a year

Your absence on Y&R was one I need not fear.

Your tenure has been long

Your presence incredibly strong

The longest relationship I've been able to maintain

My tears and sadness I can no longer feign.

So today is the day

That may or may not be the end

If forever it is, I surely will pout

For your return I am holding out

All the while hoping

You and Sony can reconcile.

_______________________________________

Start writing your protest letters now, readers, and bring one of the most powerful men who's ever lived back to the show where he belongs.

Until then... Lisa and I will keep the Mustache's flame burning strong.

Good luck surviving the next few weeks, Sony.

-Brad Carlton