Hey blog fans,
McClane here, reporting for duty. Today's show is extra awesome because we're officially celebrating the start of National Gang Week!!! But before all that, let's start at the beginning...
Last night I'm having dinner with my friend Sarah. In the middle of a conversation about how awesome Wonder Woman is and how high she'll rank The Departed on her "Top 25 Films of the Decade" list, she gets a text message.
As it turns out, this could be one of the most important text messages of the entire decade. Without any further explanation, I'm going to copy and paste this text message below without changing or editing any of it. This message is exactly as how she received it:
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Just received this one. Please be aware and be careful...
National Gang Week is starting: This is their New target Method:
While driving on any roads, if you see a baby car seat sitting on the side of the road DO NOT STOP!!!! These are gangs targeting people, especially women, to stop their vehicle to help a baby. They make this baby look as if it has blood on itself or on its clothes, when you get out of your vehicle in attempt to help, the gangs jump out from cornfields or tall bushes. They have beaten women to near death, and then continue to rape them with baseball bats and other torture methods. This is not just a forward of information, it is within our area. If you do happen to see a car seat DO NOT STOP CALL THE POLICE IMMEDIATELY!!! Please send this to everyone you know.
Rita
R. Reed
Correction Central Dispatch
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Here's my take on all this jazz:
National Gang Week is starting.
Yeah, no joke! I'm even more excited about this year's celebration than the big one in 2003. Up until that year, the National Gang Commission denied my charter on the basis that my gang couldn't pass the academic portion of the review. Luckily, the brains of our operation (we call him "Cerebro") rigged up these awesome walkie talkie units to relay all the answers through buttons on our leather jackets.
Now that we're up and going, this year is going to be the best ever. We've just inducted three new members out of the 12 that applied (the other nine guys baled out at three minutes into their five minute beating initiation session), and we just got our new hats back from the embroidery company!
The New Target Method.
At this year's convention back in June, one of the guys from our rival gang, "The Razor Grips" had a pretty laughable idea for this year's target method. This fool wanted to engineer some kind of Wile E. Coyote contraption that would lure in young single women with a photo of Patrick Dempsy. (He also had a rotating photo of a shirtless Matthew McCaughnehey in the mix.) Anyway, apparently when the young woman would come closer to examine the hot photo, some giant boxing glove filled with rocks would fly in from out of nowhere and cold cock the hell out of her.
The idea was sound in its theory, but just didn't seem practical enough to get voted in.
Luckily, some guy named Toothpick came up with the whole baby seat / blood thing, and that's seemed to work out pretty well so far.
A baby in a car seat.
Toothpick's idea was extremely cool, but he didn't consider the awkwardness your average gang member is going to have to endure in the Toys R Us. The 17-year-old chick running register #4 is going to be laughing her ass off when some giant bearded leather-jacket-and-sunglasses-wearing maniac rolls up in there with 15 cabbage patch kids.
Another good choice would be the "You & Me 16-inch Blanket Baby Doll." I could probably see some guy like DMX carrying nine or ten of those things out of there with a few accessories like bottles, extra blankets and cute little pink toboggans.
You also need to have a nice conversation about what type of fake blood would look the best on your fake baby. At first, you might consider going with your basic Hunts ketchup, but that stuff is bad about smelling and drying with a really unrealistic look. I'd advise going with the classic Karo Syrup, red food coloring and a few drops of black food coloring to darken it up. That should really get the gory, sliced-up-baby look you're going for.
Jumping out of cornfields.
Yeah, it seems a little weird at first, but it really does the trick when properly executed. However, all the gangs keep running into this really frustrating brick wall since there are no damn corn fields anywhere right now.
Whoever wrote the manual on this thing must have not taken the winter months into consideration, because it's flippin' December. Sarah said it the best: "All the damn corn is nothing but silage now, man." She's right. It really is.
Anyway, one guy named "Iceman" from this gang called "The Godzilla Skull Destroyers" was a forward thinker. He stole and collected a bunch of corn stalks from Autumn displays back in October.
Editor's note: You know those lame ass fall displays I'm talking about. Why in the hell people put giant bales of hay with dead corn stalks in their front yards is way beyond me.
This week, he'll take all his dead stalks and arrange them in this really nice row in between some dark alley downtown. Between all those stalks and that baby seat, he'll be in business.
Raping women with baseball bats.
Man, no way am I commenting on this one. If you're a woman with a vagina, please feel free to chime in with a comment below.
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Well, now we've unfortunately come to the most disappointing part of the blog post.
Because my curiosity got the best of me, I decided to take a peek at Snopes, the ultimate online resource for debunking urban myths and other random pieces of horseshit that pop up from time to time. Yeah, I couldn't have just left well enough alone... I had to get the truth. In this case, I really wish I'd just stuck to the "keep me dumb, keep me happy" philosophy.
It is interesting, however, that the Tennessee Department of Corrections is noted as being an advocate in disputing this whole saga. (The page was last updated on December 10, the exact day this blog post is being written.)
In closing, I'd urge you guys to steer clear of baby seats on the road anyway. If it's not gangs, it's probably some other evil organization on a rampage or something. It could be terrorists, aliens, bored rednecks, a religious cult or starving mutant groundhogs. Don't look at me for answers, I'm not a roadside sabotage encyclopedia! Go get your library card renewed and find out for yourself, lazy ass.
Calmly gathering rocks for my boxing glove,
-Two Guns McClane
P.S. They call him "Toothpick" 'cause he slips out.
1 Comments:
I guess masturbation's your thing.
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