Have you ever actually SEEN Crap in a Bucket? I knew some weirdo hippy guys in college who were notorious for this kind of thing. They would literally convert any nearby bucket or cardboard box into their very own, custom-made toilet, and claimed to eventually use this stuff as fertilizer. Now I don't know how this actually worked out for them, but it happened.
I always thought that maybe they just used it for flaming bag pranks, catapult experiments or medieval torture techniques. Who knows?
At any rate, that kind of thing is pretty gross. Crap in a Bucket isn't respected, appreciated or cared about. You don't pay much attention to Crap in a Bucket's needs. Most of the time, you don't even pay attention to Crap in a Bucket, unless Crap in a Bucket does something wrong.
Do you know anybody who's treated like that?
Well, I sure as hell do. Now that I'm self-employed, I'm taking note of a lot of these situations and studying them pretty closely. Isn't it crazy sad how ambitious, hard-working employees get treated these days by their negative employers?
(Editor's note: this entire blog does not pertain to robot bosses who work for large corporations. In cases like that, positivity or negativity is pretty irrelevant... you're just little pieces and cogs in a machine...easily replaceable and completely expendable. This blog is about those privately owned businesses, large and small, that are fighting their way through these challenging economic times.)
Let's look at the boss mentality. I'm a boss. To get your mind cooking on the subject, enjoy this quick video.
So yeah, I'm the boss. I have three senior employees that work directly under me. These employees manage the office, crunch my numbers, handle clients and keep up with the day-to-day challenges of the business that I own.
Because they've worked for me for a good while, they require little supervision. They know their job and they know what they're supposed to do. Without them working so hard for me, not only would my business weaken, but for a good while it would completely fall apart. That would really suck, because then I'd have to hire three more employees... take time to gain their trust... take time to get to know them... take time to trust them... educate them slowly on how things are done... train them on multiple tasks, etc. etc. Yeah, it would be a really tough situation if they were to leave. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find good, smart help that you can trust these days?
But all of that doesn't matter, because they work for me now, and this is where they'll be. After all, where are they going to go in these harsh economic times? They have no choice; they have to stay with me. I'm the best damn boss they'll ever have.
I come in one morning and see that Employee #1 has already been in early, pulled the necessary files for the day, and has her desk organized and clean. Woah, she's totally got me set up for my day and I'm already far ahead. All that doesn't matter, however, because she's wearing that blue shirt with a teddy bear on it.
Damn those teddy bear blue shirts.
Teddy bear blue shirts piss me off so much, that I'm instantly in a bad mood. Who cares if she took the time to work so hard this morning to get me ahead for my entire day? Why the hell should I thank her when she's wearing that ugly blue shirt? To hell with that. I go in my office and slam the door. What's she looking so sad about? I pay her good money! She's lucky to have a job! I think I'll ignore her for the rest of the day.
Employee #2 brought me some doughnuts. Damn I love doughnuts. She probably needs a raise or at least a thank you... but some of these doughnuts have finger prints on them. This bitch probably touched my doughnuts. Nobody touches my doughnuts. I ignore her for the rest of the day. I can't believe she would do that to me. She has no IDEA of the lengths I go for her. I set her up on a Health Savings Account, and bought her McDonald's last week, for the love of God!
Employee #3 has just had a consultation with a client. The client goes on and on about what a great job she did and how she feels so comfortable with her. This client is so happy, in fact, that she buys nine more products. This is huge. This is amazing. I just made a LOT of money. I am awesome. I am the shit.
I could have done it way better than her, though. I don't even know why I let her get NEAR the clients when I could be making 50 times more money if I did it myself. What a little bitch. She has no idea what she's doing. I could take the time to train her, but her little, feeble mind could never grasp the skills, knowledge and power that I have.
I ignore her for the rest of the day.
Employee #2 just miscalculated an invoice. Son of a bitch. This makes me want to buy a Bowie Knife and carve her up like a gar fish. Nobody does this to me. She's trying to ruin my business. She's trying to wreck my entire LIFE, actually. I can look at her and see into her eyes that she's actually trying to STEAL my business away from me and destroy me. She probably wants my house. She wants my soul. She wants my blood. She's a little maniac. She's a liability. She's out of control, and must be stopped. I'm the only one who can stop her. I MUST stop her.
I take her into my office and chew her entire world to pieces. It took a minute for me to think of something to yell at her about... but then I remembered how she didn't replace the bottle on the water cooler last week, and she didn't fully shut down her computer when she left last Wednesday. Also, I found out that she was reading THIS BLOG on her computer yesterday.
Why is she crying? Only the weak cry. Especially in my office. Who cares about her mortgage? Who cares that she single-handedly came in last weekend and organized every single file in my database alphabetically and by client category and history? Who cares if she's never been late a single day since I hired her? Who cares that she made us five referrals at the mall the other day when she was off the clock and on her own time? Who cares that she can type 1,000 words per second and knows the company protocol inside and out? Who cares that she worked 70 hours last week while I was on my ski vacation to Colorado?
This bitch should be fired for miscalculating this invoice. She just cost me $50.00.
No wait, instead of firing her... I'm just going to hold on to this grudge for the next few years. I'm going to make her life hell. I'm going to work her fingers to the bone, and never, ever explain to her why. I'm going to go through all her personal stuff when she's not looking. I'm going to give her a huge project to handle right at the end of the day on Friday... due on Monday morning.
I'll trick her into doing some major project, which will probably take up hours and hours of her time (and knowing her, she'll probably work through her lunch breaks and stay two hours over every day to get it done), and then I'll subtly let her know that it had nothing to do with my business and it was actually just a Christmas gift to my mom. And it's April.
Maybe in a few days, she'll be so miserable that she'll have to come to me crying with another, more SINCERE apology. But a normal apology isn't enough. I want her on her knees, bowing at my feet, because I am the ultimate boss in the history of this hand-made, custom baby-clothing store that also sells tiny crochet baby toboggans!!!!!!!
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Yeah, yeah, you think I'm just exaggerating all this, and it's just another wacky story, right? I totally wish that were the case, but these bosses are a dime a dozen and they're EXACTLY like this. They're terrifying people.
T-E-R-R-I-F-Y-I-N-G people.
What makes the situation SO sad, in fact, is that they're right about one thing: These days, it really IS incredibly hard to find a new job. And if you make decent money, you tell yourself that the money and your salary is worth the living nightmare that you live every day.
You tell yourself that it's all worth it... as long as you can pay your rent on time and eat food that doesn't begin with the word "Ramen."
You come home every night broken, sore, mentally destroyed... feeling inadequate, lost, confused and angry. You carry your anger into other parts of your life and pretty soon you're a completely different person.
Face it, man. You're crap in a bucket.
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Don't you wish bosses like that could see it all from your eyes? You have to wonder, what made them this way? At what point did their ego or complete disillusionment lap their logic in a race for success? (How skewed is that, right??) Did these people ever even have jobs of their own? Did they ever work for a boss as terrifying as themselves? Did they govern their Barbies and G.I. Joe toys like this when they were kids? Did their parents teach them that the best way to build a team and create a successful environment was only through fear-mongering and bullying?
Whatever the case, it's a sad place to be in. Can you imagine a business that celebrates success over failures? Understanding over ego? Praise over disdain?
When a mistake is made, could you imagine a boss that would talk to you about it like a human being... praising you for the things that you've done right and working together to correct a mistake so that it won't happen again? When a job is done right, could you imagine a boss that would overlook his or her personal frustrations to throw out a simple, "thank you" or maybe a smooth "good job?"
Can you imagine a boss observing your strengths and weaknesses... and modifying your job to balance it out? It's really not that hard to see what an employee is doing right and what he or she is doing wrong, you know? Instead of beating the hell out of an employee for screwing something up, why not set them up for total success by focusing on what they do absolutely well?
But then again, readers, maybe I'm dreaming of a world that doesn't exist. Maybe building a true, highly successful team with true common goals and a true sense of family is just irrelevant these days. Maybe it's all about the dollar and your boss' upcoming trip to the Bahamas. Maybe it's all about your boss' new car or huge house. Maybe it's all about your boss' weight, height or lack of common sense. Who knows.
Until you f'n idiots take a wake-up pill and realize & appreciate the true value of your employees, your business is always going to suck. You're going to suck. You DO suck.
Wise up, man. Investing and caring about the people who work for you is the fastest way to make money yourself. Why the hell would you cut your own legs off?
Your people are not Crap in a Bucket. They're your lifeblood. For the love of God, treat 'em with some respect.
-McClane out.
P.S. This was actually a true Tirade on the Tirade. Eat that for supper.
