Air Conditioner Hot Topic

Readers, you're totally the wind beneath my wings.

Welcome to the Tirade, where all your problems can be solved and life becomes as light as air on some morning breezes or dew or something.

Whatever.

Anyway, so the hot topic of the weekend has been:

Having my apartment's air conditioner break down like a busted Pinto* on the side of some lost, abandoned highway.

*If any of you readers are Pinto drivers or lovers, please forgive the analogy. You have to admit, though, the word "Pinto" is pretty funny to use in a sentence. Who the hell was the genius, you might ask, who named a car after a horse or bean? We might never know. Let's get the scientists on the job immediately. Come on, dicks, we don't pay you guys to just sit around playing chess all day, drinking Bolt colas and daydreaming about Jessica Alba's ass. Get to the bottom of this Pinto mystery, geniuses!!!

Anyway, so suddenly yesterday evening, I discovered that what I thought and hoped would be cold air blowing from my vents was actually just plain 'ole normal air. In the professional apartment business, we call this "a fan."

Some of you out there might already know that.

Anyway, so it took some time for the initial shock of this kind of thing to wear off. Here's the progression of my thoughts after getting the sad sack news that my air conditioner was busted:

1. Putting full blame on the Russians and/or aliens.

2. Thinking to myself, "Hey man, this might not be so bad. Now I'll save money on the electric bill by just hanging out naked and sleeping out on my deck under the gigantic apartment halogen security light."

3. Damn, this really sucks.

4. My God, it's already 80 degrees in here.

5. I should assemble a team of English-speaking gerbils or mice to put on some sweet body armor and helmets and send them down through the pipes on fishing line or twine string to fix this problem.

6. Okay, try not to freak out and let your blood pressure and heart rate soar beyond the safe limit. If the stress, heat and panic were to drive your heart rate any higher, you could turn into that giant, green, screaming, indestructible killing machine that could level the entire apartment complex to the ground. You've also got some DVDs you need to return to the video store, so there's not much time for that kind of thing.

7. Keep your cool. (Then I laughed at myself for making such a hilariously clever one-liner.)

8. Speaking of awesome one-liners, remember that Schwarzenegger movie, Commando? Wasn't that completely insane and awesome how he killed literally 75 men in less than 5 or 10 minutes at the end of that film? It got to the point where he really wasn't even aiming, he was just capping off shots with his machine guns and throwing random grenades while the bad mustache-wearing henchmen were just doing flips from all the explosions. Then he cuts off one guy's arm with a machete or some other sharp object, I think.

9. Anyway, forget Schwarzenegger and focus on the air conditioning problem. However, it is important to note that the bad guy in that film, Bennet, was one of the best (if not THE best) 80's movie villains of all time.

10. I mean, come on, that guy was genius! He was supposed to be Schwarzenegger's arch-nemesis and equal, yet he has these tiny little arms, a fantastic mustache and a massive beer gut underneath a chain mail vest that he wears for the entire movie.

11. Remember that awesome scene with Schwarzenegger where Bennet gets stabbed in the chest with that gigantic steel pipe and Schwarzenegger tells him to "Let off some steam" while all this steam comes flying out of the end of the pipe? Awesome.

12. Man, I love that movie.

13. Now that I think about it, Commando should be higher up on my favorite Schwarzenegger film list. I should definitely think about that.

14. I'm totally craving ice cream. Right now, I have some strawberry ice cream in my freezer and I am about to eat like five scoops.

15. Oh yeah, the ice cream made me think about this air conditioner problem again. Damn.

16. It's going to be crazy hot in here in a minute.

17. I'll open all the windows, start up the little fan and call the awesome landlord guy in the morning.

18. I should probably just take this night to reflect on how blessed I am to even HAVE air conditioning, even if it's currently busted.

19. I could also take this night to imagine what it would be like if I was actually trapped in a volcano with molten lava all around me. In fact, my very carpet is a flowing lake of searing hot magma. How the hell will I make it to the bedroom?

20. I could use these couch cushions as stepping stones over the lava.

_____

Anyway, so... that's more or less how it went. I guess a lot of you guys out there are saying to yourselves, "That molten lava idea sounds awesome!!!"

The others are probably thinking, "I would have called my landlord immediately."

Well let me tell you something right now, impatient people: I wasn't raised like that, yo. I kept imagining myself as a landlord guy... having a great time on Saturday night with my woman or dog or prostitute or bowling team or whatever. Then out of nowhere comes this phone call from this irate weirdo who's screaming about lava and bad Arnold Schwarzenegger movies.

If it were me, I'd probably enjoy the conversation, but my landlord is an extremely nice guy who doesn't deserve that kind of geek flack. No, I want him to enjoy his Saturday evening.

So that's what I did and why I didn't call him up then.

What will happen, readers? How will all this drama finally end? Will it ever?

Will we ever work it out as human beings? Will humanity ever find its way? Will my generation ever discover our true purpose or meaning? What will we be remembered for?

Will the scientists ever find out who or why the Pinto was named after a horse or a bean?

Time will tell, guys. Time will tell. All we can do is hope.

Sincerely,

-Bennet

The Bombs of Summer

Hey guys,

Just caught a really interesting article over at Nuke the Fridge concerning the worst wide-released films of the summer, based on how much cash they pulled in.

In all honesty, I haven't seen a single one of these 10 films, and have never even heard of three of 'em. I guess you know when your film has bombed when you can't even make enough at the box office to pay for less than half of your budget. That's got to be a terrifying feeling.

Check out THE ARTICLE and see which 10 films made the list. I don't think you'll find many surprises there. I'm especially glad, by the way, that #10 on the list made the list... and it's very interesting that they site "The Twitter Effect" as a major reason for it being named. In the past, something like that would seem like a pretty lame excuse, but these days it's pretty right-on. Yay for social networking applications.

Booooooom.

-M

Black Dynamite to hit this October!

Sup readers,

I've been pretty obsessed with seeing this film, and for pretty good reasons. It looks unbelievably awesome. I get the feeling that after a man watches a movie like this, he'll feel like he can do anything. Taking on a corrupt judicial system? Bringing down a drug racketeering outfit? Beating the shit out of your neighbor who borrowed your plastic cooler three months ago and refuses to give it back? Time to take action.

Anyway, here's a new red-band clip for you guys to feast your eyes on. Beware, it's hard-core rated 'R' and you're going to have to tell it how old you are before you can proceed.

So for all you jive ass high school turkeys who read this blog every day and learn new and wondrous things about life and the world around you, you guys are SOL.

Enjoy!

While you're in the mood, I'd recommend hopping over to THIS PAGE and seeing even more of this movie. Believe the hype!

-M

Avatar, you say? More like Delgotar!!!!

Hey readers,

One thing's for sure: I'm no Jim Cameron hater.

Man, that cat has given me some of my favorite movies over the years and he's never ceased to blow my mind with his work. (With the exception of Titanic, which I refuse to watch for reasons to lengthy to get into here.)

Anyway, so now we've got a trailer for his upcoming (ridiculously hyped) big-time 3D film called AVATAR. Actually, you can watch it right here:

First thing's first: I hate the font he's using in his logo. It reminds me of "Papyrus," which, in my opinion, is absolutely ridiculous. It ranks at number two of "most overused fonts of all time," just above the dreaded and most hated "Comic Sans" at number one.

But hey man, a logo is nothing to hold against the guy. Even though The Terminator, Aliens, T2, True Lies and even Titanic all had strong, very powerful, authoritative appropriate logos. Maybe he just wasn't paying attention when a prankster middle school kid snuck into his marketing meeting, switched out the actual AVATAR logo with one he did at home using his mom's "Paint" program, and trashed the original, more badass logo.

These things happen.

Anyway, getting down to brass tax here... this trailer looks absolutely ridiculous. I might be the only one saying this, but what the hell is up with those harebrained-looking anorexic blue sumbitches running around with dreadlocks and cartoon cat faces? For three years now I've been reading on and on about how awesome Cameron's new alien guys were looking and how so much time and effort was going into making these things look awesome.

Whaaaa happennned??

These guys are seriously giant-sized cartoons. The scene where that big blue guy is sitting on that lab table most definitely looks to me like a deleted scene from Who Framed Roger Rabbit. At what point does Sam Worthington's big blue buddy whip out his giant hammer or big ass boxing glove on a spring and shoot it into Sigourney Weaver's face? If Cameron is really on track, he should have some really neat spring sound effects and maybe a cymbal could chime really loud when she takes one to the kisser. Perhaps some CGI twirling stars and little birds could circle her head while she's swaying around before falling on her face. Jus' throwing out ideas here, people.

(Everybody knows that won't happen. After all, it won't REALLY be Sigourney who falls on her face. They'll CGI that in too.)

At any rate, I'm not too thrilled since this thing looks like one gigantic video game. I don't even play video games. Video games confuse the hell out of me, actually, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Some little kid schooled me at Wal-mart paying HALO a few years ago and I've never tried again since. I hung my head in shame, cried my way out of the store and never went back again. Since then, every time I hear the word "HALO," all I can think about is that kid's eyes... the ravenous, wild eyes of a 10-year-old who took my dignity that day and left me for dead.

Anyway, video games aren't my thing, so this crap looks horrible to me.

Now, to address the real point of this post... the strange comparison of James Cameron's AVATAR to another recently-released film.

A lot of you probably have no idea about a film called DELGO that was released last year. The reason you don't know about it is that this movie currently holds the crown for lowest per-theatre gross on an opening weekend of any wide release in American film history.

It's one of the worst of the worst. I'm not going into any kind of a synopsis here (what the hell, do you think I'VE watched this thing???), but you can read all about it on the handy IMDB site. Go ahead, indulge. I don't think I was able to make it past the second paragraph.

At any rate, this movie was a really piss-poorly made CGI cartoon. You can see the poster here:

(Note the font of the logo. Not a close comparison, but the similarity could be there if you squint your eyes and believe.)

Anyway, there are people out there online who are making astonishing discoveries of some very interesting comparisons between these two films. One such guy who was recently featured on Nuke The Fridge, posted an extremely amazing set of photos that really pull all this together. Pay attention to the piss-poor animation of Delgo and how it's really not that far off from Avatar.

I'll leave you with that. Pretty interesting stuff, huh?

-Eddie Valiant

P.S. Sam Worthington, I'm still on your team, man. Even though you're apparently played by a giant hilarious blue cartoon for the majority of the film, all the stuff with you in the trailer where you're a regular guy in a wheelchair look great. I know your character is all supposed to fall in love with that other blue cartoon, but I wish you'd break free of the script, get in one of those big robot suit things and go back to attack that giant crocodile.

______________________

UPDATE ON AUGUST 30TH:

This guy knows what I'm talking about.

My vacation to District 9

Hey readers, thanks for stopping by on your way to some other awesome blog.

This week I took a trip through District 9 and somehow made it out of there unscathed.

You guys have heard of that place, right? For my non-African readers and friends, District 9 is a cozy little spot in Johannesburg, South Africa, where this relentless and carnivorous evil corporation, Multinational United (or MNU) is keeping more than 1 million homeless alien creatures in a busted slum.

Apparently these poor guys basically crash landed on Earth about 28 years ago and the kind people of Johannesburg have been cool enough to let them hang out in the neighborhood until they fix their ship (or pretty much indefinitely).

I wish it was as nice as it sounds, but it's not. These super tall, super intimidating and super scary bug-looking aliens—called "Prawns" as a bad derogatory racial slur—have been shoved into the most horrifying ghetto in the history of busted ghettos. MNU was assigned to govern the district, but now it's evolved into a rich white guy's worst nightmare.

Now you've got the happiest place on the planet: malnourished, ravenous and very pissed off ostracized aliens piled on top of endless garbage, dead animals, thousands of cat food cans and an entire mob of black-market-dealing Nigerian maniacs with stockpiles upon stockpiles of deadly weapons.

I say that I've been there because I feel that I've actually been there. What makes the film, District 9, so unbelievably original is the complete and absolute realism in every single frame. Director Neill Blomkamp (an actual native of Johannesburg) uses some of the most interesting film techniques that I've ever seen. Using a methodical combination of "mockumentary style" hand-held camera footage with the most realistic computer generated special effects ever, he pulls you straight into these slums, even when you're absolutely terrified of going in there.

Make no mistake, though, your ass is going in whether you like it or not. The film grabs your eyeballs, carefully unscrews them from your sockets and yanks you straight into the most hostile environment possible. (He's also going to come back for your ears, just as a warning.)

He completely immerses you into a powder keg of dynamite, as the friction between MNU and the aliens has come to its boiling point.

The corporation and normal folks of Johannesburg have gotten pretty sick of these weird aliens eating all the rubber off their tires, ferociously devouring their pets and making life pretty rough for humans in general. It's not really a fault of the aliens, though. They don't have any leadership. All their superiors have gone to Prawn heaven, and now a million worker aliens have taken a permanent day off.

What do you do on your day off? Do you sell your super-high-tech & highly destructive alien weapons to Nigerian mob bosses for large payments of cat food? (Aliens LOVE cat food.)

If you do choose to sell these weapons, the joke is totally on the mob guys. Turns out, alien weapons can only be fired by aliens. (The guns, etc. are only activated with synced up with Prawn DNA.) In other words, if you're not a 8' tall alien bug, you're not going to be able to do a damn thing with that massive gun, other than brandish it at old people to give them heart attacks or have some nice pretend games of G.I. Joe in your back yard with your closest friends or family.

Anyway, with all this chaos, MNU has finally decided to kick the Prawns out of District 9 and move them over to a new and special place, which is basically an even more busted concentration camp. This just doesn't go over well at all.

This is the part where we meet our main man of the tale, Mr. Wikus van der Merwe. (I know, kickass name, right? I wish I was named that. Can you imagine visiting the "Van Der Merwe Triade" every day? I certainly can.)

Anyway, MNU agent Wikus has been given the wonderful task of heading up the Eviction Task Force, making him the most unpopular man in the District. This guy is absolutely awesome. He's basically a fantastic mix of Borat, Mr. Incredible's tiny insurance company boss from The Incredibles, and every mindless corporate-loving idiot you've ever met. The man doesn't care about these aliens, in fact, he pretty much hates 'em. In a few quick scenes, you really see how much disdain he has for these guys. Basically, the poor guy has no soul. And an awesome corporate hair cut.

So in we go with Wikus to the depths of District 9.

I know it seems like I've given most of the entire movie away, but I haven't. No really, I haven't, readers. I know, you guys are still mad at me for giving away too much about some ballet movie in Morristown, TN, but you're going to have to trust me on this one. We're just getting started. What I've told you is only the set-up.

To keep things nice and vague to not spoil anything for you, let me throw out some of my favorite points here. Also, I'll say this: if somebody spoils this movie for you and gives away any more of the plot than I have, you totally have my permission to donkey punch them in the bread basket.

WHAT I OBSESSED OVER:

1. The realism of this movie will shock you. It just feels so incredibly real. From the special effect work on the aliens, their ship, their weapons, etc., it's literally like you're really in the middle of this place, experiencing these things right beside our characters. While the run-of-the-mill viewers may think it's sloppy, shaky and extreme, us true movie fans know better. Every shot in this piece was skillfully set up for the most unsettling and realistic sequences we've seen since our uncles video taped us walking across the stage at high school graduation.

2. The aliens. Perfectly designed to be completely original, every single one of these guys has its own look, its own mannerisms and its own fashion sense. (Literally.) The way they sound will freak you out in a really good way. Their voices are fascinating.

3. Wikus van der Merwe, played by this new guy named Sharlto Copley. Let me tell you right now: this guy is my favorite actor of the year thus far. I have to really fight my brain like a deadly alligator to remember seeing a character go through such an amazing journey of change like this man does in this film. His character arc is unbelievable, and his charisma is just out-of-control captivating. You'll hate the guy, you'll laugh at the guy, you'll be disgusted by the guy, you'll feel for the guy, you'll believe in the guy, you'll root for the guy and you'll cry for the guy in the same movie. The transformation his character goes through is the most grueling, graphic and emotionally painful performance of the year, by far.

4. The social impact. The themes this movie throws around aren't fun and games. Just try to watch this film without having questionable thoughts about everything from our cultural identity and racism to our God-given rights as not only citizens... but as human beings.

5. The action. Make no mistake, this movie does not mess around. Seriously guys, this movie is seriously hard-to-the-core. This is not the Transformers or G.I. Joe. This movie isn't even Jean Claude Van Damme in Lionheart. No, this movie is jammed packed full of highly, HIGHLY realistic violence, terror and complete carnage. I literally felt like I was watching a Faces of Death movie at some points. The nature of the film and its visual presentation excels every scene from level 5 ("Oh man, that was crazy!") straight to level 11 ("HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, DID I JUST SEE THAT? THAT COULDN'T HAVE JUST HAPPENED; I THINK I'M NEARLY HAVING A HEART ATTACK RIGHT NOW"). It reaches this point by using extremely intelligent special effects mixed with amazing gore, astounding music and hard-hitting sound effects that will leave you completely exhausted (in a terrific way).

To end, I have to make one final, important point: this movie is highly original and startlingly intelligent. It really is, by far, one of the greatest science fiction movies I've ever seen in my entire life. While it's a vicious ride, it's definitely one worth taking.

Take it readers. Take it hard.

Your favorite advocate of alien rights,

-McClane van der Merwe

Shipwreck loves the Wonder Years!!!

Hey readers, I'm going to throw out a cup of honesty here:

I actually really enjoyed the idiotic, nonsensical, hilariously cheesy and action-packed recently released G.I. Joe movie. I did. It was dumb as hell and crazy fun. I laughed my ass off in the theatre.

It might have been because I've been absolutely OBSESSED with watching the old cartoons lately on YouTube. The entire "Mass Device" series is mind-blowing and don't even get me going on the "Pyramid of Darkness." Awesome.

Anyway, since I've been on the cartoon kick, the movie is pretty much a giant cartoon itself, so I loved it. To celebrate, check out this incredible video from Funny or Die. Outstanding!

Yo Joe,

-McClane

P.S. It's kind of hilarious that the costumes in that above video are actually way cooler and more accurate than the ones in the new movie. Snake Eyes, in particular, looks amazing.

P.P.S. Henry Rollins? Oh hell yes.

Abe Lincoln's last 45 seconds

I'm sorry, but this just took a perfectly good brain of mine and chewed it up into meat-flavored, extra-juicy pancake of delight.

What Happened In Albuquerque from The Goods - watch more funny videos

Lordy.

-M

Hughes Update...

Hey readers,

I was pointed to a very interesting blog post today regarding the sad passing of John Hughes.

Check out this blog post and see what you think.

There's a lot of crazy stuff out there and insane people out there who could easily make something like this up, but if this is the real deal... it's absolutely a-maz-ing.

Either way, what a great read.

Kudos, Alison!

-McClane

Looks pretty wild.

Hey readers,

On a bit of a better note today, Yahoo just posted up the new Where the Wild Things Are trailer, and it's looking absolutely fantastic.

Scope it out over here.

-M

R.I.P. John

Dang readers, this one just shook me up.

John Hughes has passed away today, and I'm just saddened beyond belief to hear it. Hughes gave me some of the best characters of my childhood... Matt Broderick's smooth operating Ferris Bueller and Judd Nelson's dick head John Bender round out the top of my high school list..

.

...and John Candy and Steve Martin's Thanksgiving Day rampage up with the best of my 80's picks.

I sincerely loved that man's work, and thank God I can revisit it anytime I want. He had the kind of talent that nobody's come close to touching.

Here's to you, John.

Respectfully,

-Uncle Buck

P.S. Fantastic eulogy right here.