Woah readers, where've you been?
I'll tell you where I'VE been, and that's Snake Island.
I'll shoot you straight here: I love giant snake movies. The three of you who read this blog know what I mean. You guys know how much I adore a film where a massive toxic-waste-mutated, monster-sized reptile shreds, rips, tears, bites and swallows its way through a wasted two hours of your life.
However, sometimes giant snakes are hard to come by. There's a list of amazing films out there that will transport you into an entire world populated by total idiots who manage to get ripped to pieces and decapitated... just from not using common sense. However, I've been through most of 'em already. When you can't find any more giant snakes, just regular sized snakes will have to do, I guess.
Any moron can tell you that regular-sized snakes can hold a lot more terror for people than the giant-sized ones. You're more likely to see a regular-sized snake in your flower bed, garage, hiking trip or kitchen pantry than a giant-sized one. Well... unless you're Jenny McCarthy in Python. I think she got attacked by a 50' long beast in a garage. (How a 50' long mutant python can fit into a garage is way beyond my knowledge. Go rent some encyclopedias and discover that little piece of geometry for yourself, bud.)
Since you could actually see a regular-sized snake on the way to the grocery store, that might terrify the hell out of you. However, the chances of you seeing a giant-sized snake are pretty slim. Unless you live in the Amazon Rain Forest, a town with a big toxic waste factory, in some secret classified government laboratory or have access to a
magic voodoo snake pen.
Anyway, regular-sized snakes are pretty scary if you're terrified of snakes already. Here's a list that I've used in the past that could shed some light on your fears. I'm sure your snake terror could stem from any of these categories:
1. They're gross.
2. They're creepy because they have no legs.
3. Once a snake killed your dad.
4. They bite. With big fangs.
5. The way they move around gives you motion sickness.
6. Steve Irwin told you they're dangerous.
7. They're slithery and fast and kill for fun.
8. They kill cute animals that you're not afraid of.
9. They sneak in, eat all your steak and ruin everyone's lives.
10. They're the ninjas of the animal world.
11. They'll strike at you without warning.
12. They'll strike at you with warning.
13. They eat children.
14. Movies have made them out to be evil.
15. They're evil because of that whole Bible business.
16. You live in Australia.
I suppose those are all pretty valid points. However, I believe that every single one of those points is very, very interesting. For example, if a snake were to slither up to me and encourage me to eat a delicious healthy fruit, I'd sure as hell do it. Also: they have no legs and manage to move faster than certain animals with legs, and that's awesome.
Anyway, so it was with great excitement that I pulled Snake Island out of my mailbox this weekend. The synopsis taken from one of those movie sites says:
"A group of American tourists heading down an African river make a brief stop at Snake Island, an island that has been virtually abandoned for years. When they end up getting trapped on the island overnight, they find thousands of deadly snakes intent on reclaiming the tropical island for themselves."
First thing's first, this movie stars William Katt. A lot of you probably don't know who the hell I'm talking about, but I wish you did. Katt is such an underdog of the celebrity world. He's starred in more "B movies" than Bruce Campbell and appeared on an endless amount of awesome TV shows. From Walker, Texas Ranger and Viper to Murder, She Wrote and Perry Mason, the guy has ruled the obscure television world. He also starred in the movie House (and its sequels!!) which was a really weird but kinda fun pseudo-horror movie in 1986.
However, the man's real claim to fame was starring in an incredible cult-favorite TV series called The Greatest American Hero, which started its run in 1981. Besides having THE BEST DAMN OPENING THEME SONG IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION, it lasted five wonderful years with 44 episodes. Here's the opening introduction from the show:
The bottom line here is that I love this guy. It's a real shame that he can't get his shit together and make a sweet comeback like that Rorschach guy from Watchmen, Mickey Rourke or even Jean Claude Van Damme. He's got fantastic charisma, a great look and could be a great leading man if he found the right role and director. (He recently popped up on an episode of Heroes, so it looks like his agent might have finally been found after being lost in the mountains for 20 years.)
So William Katt plays the part of a lovable novelist who's hopped on this tourist boat to visit Snake Island. He's researching some stuff for his next book, but he openly admits at one point that he has no idea what he's writing about.
The other characters on the boat include:
1. A smooth-talking boat captain guy
2. A loud-mouth obnoxious fat-guy safari expert
3. A hot attorney chick
4. A honeymooning couple
5. A random black woman who talks with an inconsistent accent
6. A slutty blonde tourist guide who ties her shirt up to show her belly
7. A token black man with a random African accent who just hangs out in the background
While sputtering along in the boat, the fat-man-safari-expert tells Katt that there are a lot of legends about snakes on the island. "Snakes?" he asks. "Snakes," the fat guy says. Katt replies, "I hate snakes."
So, William Katt... if you hate snakes, why in God's name did you travel all the way around the world to visit a place called "Snake Island?"
I didn't invent this wheel, readers, I just ride on it.
Anyway, through an incredibly lame set of circumstances, these people crash land on the island and get themselves hilariously stranded. (This actually happens because Katt tries to smash a cobra with a stick and accidentally punctures the super-thin plastic gas tank, pouring all their gas into the river.)
The first thing to note about Snake Island is how awesome the snake placement works. Basically, 90% of this film involves our characters walking into frame and then out of frame, revealing some kind of deadly snake species hanging out or hiding in the background. It also involves what seems like hundreds of random shots of snakes laying around wherever. This happens over and over and over. They must have had a great time coming up with new and exciting places to put these snakes.
The snakes coil around tree limbs, lamps and ceiling rafters... slither around cups, fruit, bowls, chair legs, shower curtains, maps, random pipes, dirty laundry, blankets... and get themselves into shoes, a dead guy's mouth, shirts, toilet bowls, pants and even cop a feel on the token black chick's right boob.
The second thing to note about Snake Island is how the camera will fool you. Sometimes the camera itself is a snake. You'll follow along with it on the ground, through the air, up a tree, right into somebody's face, etc. etc. However... just when you think the snake (which is technically YOU at this point) is about to strike somebody's ankle, arm, head, back or face... SIKE!!!! It was only a camera. The Director of Photography on Snake Island is a tricky bastard, that's for sure.
He puts you, the audience, in a total state of schizophrenia. Are you a snake? Are you a camera? Are you another inanimate object like a CD player? You won't know until it's too late.
Sometimes you'll be completely sure that you're a snake... but just as you go in for the kill, a REAL snake comes into the frame right in front of you!!! "What the hell, man??!?" You'll say to yourself. "I was handling this murder!! I had this covered!! What do you think YOU'RE doing, plastic hooded cobra?? What are YOU doing popping up in front of me, rubber puff adder???"
Editor's note: I wasn't joking about the CD player.
So you're constantly confused... playing a deadly game of "Wheel of Fortune," as you try to guess which method of terror you are. In retrospect, maybe it's kind of awesome. Or not.
The third thing to note about Snake Island is how hilarious the kill sequences work. Basically, we never actually see a human being bitten in this film. I know what you're thinking... a regular-sized snake rampage like Snake Island should have a ton of gory death scenes where people are bitten and maimed all to hell by these slithering demons. Unfortunately, all you'll get are close-ups of surprised faces, "cut-to" shots that'll leave you hanging, boring screams, seizure-looking gestures and lots of falling down.
There's very little, if any, blood in this film. We do, however, get to see some hilarious corpses that have really awesome blatantly obvious white makeup on... and a scene where a guy flails around like he's on fire, covered in rubber snakes that have been glued on to his jacket.
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In every snake movie, there's one sequence or scene that's just unbelievable. I mean there's always one scene that you'll have to rewind and watch again out of pure disbelief. It's always a scene that just makes no sense at all... usually the only thing you'll actually remember from the movie for all the wrong reasons.
A lot of times you'll think you're seeing things... like your TV suddenly got a message from aliens pipelined into your living room... your roommate slipped some bad hallucinogen in your ramen noodles or perhaps its that sign from God that you've been wondering about and waiting for your entire life.
This movie has one that I'll never, ever forget: the dance sequence.
The dance sequence begins when our group of rib-tickling individuals are sitting around the prestigious Snake Island Resort (which is actually just a fence and some bamboo lawn chairs around a little camp fire). They're all talking about the terrifying snake legends... you know... all the stuff that's a blatant warning and basic foreshadowing that everybody's going to die.
During this entire time, snakes (and YOU, apparently, hence all the first-person camera shots) are all gathering around them... watching them from various obvious spots. For some reason there's a big table full of fruit in this amazing catering display right across from the fire. No clue how the hell that got there, but the snakes love to crawl through it, that's for sure.
Anyway, out of nowhere (and I mean OUT. OF. NOWHERE.), the token black woman stands up, goes to the busted CD player and puts in some mysterious CD she pulls out of her ass.
Bad techno music begins.
She strolls over to the fire, and begins to dance. Next, she takes her shirt off. Then her bra.
This is absolutely fantastic. For no reason whatsoever, this woman proceeds to strip in front of these people. Once topless, the slutty blonde tour guide dives into the fun and strips down to her bra. In a slow motion sequence, these two women sensually dance closer and closer... lips almost touching. William Katt gets in on the action a little bit, but his dumb ass is a sorry dancer and wrecks all the sex energy of the scene.
Suddenly the obnoxiously drunken fat-man safari guy gets up, and throws his hands up in disapproval. He turns and walks away from these two topless women dancing in front of a fire with William Katt.
As the techno music builds louder and louder, the snakes come out of their hiding places and show their heads. All of a sudden... the snakes start moving and dancing to the beat.
Here's the part that you may need me to repeat:
The snakes start moving and dancing to the beat.
This is a film that's built up sheer terror by putting deadly cobras, black mambas and a variety of vipers in very accessible and deadly places. This is a film that's slowly gained momentum by telling us stories about brutal deaths and unadulterated reptile mayhem. Then... the snakes start dancing to techno.
What makes it really awesome is that in order to get the snakes to dance to the beat, the filmmakers had to capture the snakes moving, and then reverse the frames backwards and forwards again to imitate the actual rhythm. Just like on America's Funniest Home Videos or a zany dance number on the Disney Channel.
(At one point, one of the deadly cobras sticks its tongue out to the side and nods its head like it's checking out the boobs.)
While we continue to watch this American Band Stand: Snake Island Edition, the obnoxiously drunken fat man safari guy has wandered off by himself to complain about snakes, health care reform and how lame his ex-partner is for dying. Of course, he gets attacked by a shit ton of snakes... and the whole scene is edited together with the techno music and slow-motion topless chicks dancing with William Katt.
Here's some photos in sequence of the fat guy's incredible death scene:
As you can see, the filmmakers glued and clothes-pinned a bunch of awesome rubber snakes on this guy's coat and told him to flail around, looks like they're killin' him. I LOVE this. When you actually go temporarily insane and rent this movie, I'd urge you to watch this in extremely slow motion for the genius.
What follows is your typical snake movie killing spree, with these wriggling death machines taking down the tourists one by one in a variety of ways. At one point, a girl gets attacked in a shower, and the shower curtain is completely see-through with a giant "SNAKE ISLAND RESORT" label written across it in a huge font. I thought that was a neat touch. She ends up panicking, wrapping this transparent shower curtain around her and running aimlessly through the woods, eventually falling down in a random patch of grass. I guess she dies there, or whatever. No clue why this happens.
In one scene, a male and female character decide to make a run for it. In an extremely smart move, they cover their bodies in these thick coats, pants and gloves to keep the biting to a minimal. I'm thinking, "Finally... a move that makes some sense!!!"
Unfortunately, after running a short distance through the woods, the girl stops and says that she's way too hot in all this gear. She proceeds to take her thick coat off... revealing a SNAKE SKIN TUBE TOP. That's right... a little tube top, made of snake skin. I'm thinking, "Finally... the movie gets back on track!"
In the next scene we see her ass running through the woods in a tube top and short shorts.
Another FANTASTIC scene to note is a dream sequence in which a big rubber cobra head talks to a woman, tells her that he's coming to kill her and calls her a bitch.
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Let's check out William Katt's big showdown with the snakes toward the end. In this first frame, we get a too-close-for-comfort shot of Katt staring down a sweet rubber cobra:
That's scary stuff!!!! Now, we see Katt's terrified expression as he looks around for some type of weapon to help him fight this big prosthetic sumbitch:
Holy crap, the tension is too much to bear!!!!! Suddenly, Katt spies something out of the corner of his eye. But wait!!! The rubber cobra also sees it:
Looks like THIS might do the trick:
Katt gives the snake a look of steel and screams, "SCREW YOU!!!!" (As the snake is apparently looking off into the trees somewhere.)
He reaches for the gun, takes it in his capable hands, and fires on the snake from only INCHES away... surely blowing its head completely off:
Unfortunately, Katt didn't count on this cobra being rubber. Apparently, the bullets just bounce right off its head and body, leaving it completely unharmed. Either that... or Katt is just a terrible, terrible shot from only inches away. Either that... or this snake is a damn indestructible cyborg cobra from the future, sent back in time to kill Katt before he can give birth to the one man who can save the world. At any rate... the snake is completely fine:
Katt, in total disbelief, thinks to himself, "Do I really suck THIS bad? Seriously??"
Editor's note: Epic Fail, Katt:
Then suddenly, a strike from behind leaves him completely paralyzed. It seems that our hero has been ambushed!!!!!!
And with that, Katt falls out of frame with that exact face and says, "screw ME!!!!"
(NOTE: NO FRAMES WERE CHANGED OR RE-ARRANGED IN THIS SEQUENCE. THIS IS EXACTLY HOW THIS SCENE PLAYS OUT.)
We're left to believe that he's been devoured by these elusive beasts, but he somehow appears at the end to save the remaining characters in a boat. We have absolutely no idea how he pulls this off or how he's not dead. Never explained.
I guess his agent got all pissed off after being lost in the mountains for so long, and demanded a re-write at the last minute to have his character survive. Unfortunately, they ran out of money and could only show a shot of Katt lying in a boat, completely conscious, with a scratch on his forehead.
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In the end, this movie really doesn't have the laugh factor that your typical giant snake movies do, but I do give it credit for trying. (Especially with the dance sequence and the incredible shit-talking rubber-cobra-head dream scene.)
It's also amazing to see the sheer number of snakes used in this movie. It's unbelievable. Even though there are a lot of CGI snake shots in the film, the majority of it actually uses live highly venomous reptiles.
I have no idea how the snake wranglers managed all of this, because there are shots with literally more than 20 or 30 snakes crawling around, mostly cobras, rattlesnakes and black mambas. The busted DVD has no special features, but I would kill to see some behind-the-scenes footage of all this mess.
It's been my pleasure to bring you another terrible snake movie review. For those of you who've made it this far, I salute you. For those of you who've only skimmed through this thing... I urge you to go back and read it carefully. Somewhere in all this text, is a hidden website and password that will give you an unlimited supply of government cheese for the next five years of your life. Don't miss that opportunity, people.
McClane Out!!!!
