The Valentine's Day Experiment: 2010

Hey love fans,

From the perspective of a single guy, I've always looked at Valentine's Day as being the equivalent to a day set aside for medieval torture methods, fingernails-on-chalkboards festivities and 12 straight hours of repeated viewings of 2004's Catwoman starring Halle Berry. Absolute hell.

But why was I so miserable? Why was I so jaded and angry about it every year?

It doesn't stop with me, Lord no. I'm sure the scientists have rigged up some machine that counts up this kind of thing and turns it into a pie chart or graph made out of hearts or something, but I'm pretty sure there's a large majority of people out there who feel the same way.

Well, I'm pretty tired of this way of thinking. I saw Valentine's Day coming a billion miles away this year, and even though I would be outnumbered 1,000 to one, I came up with a plan. Remember how those 300 ab guys stood up to zillions of Persian soldiers because they had this awesome plan? Yeah, that was me... sans the abs.

The Valentine's Day Experiment.

It began with me posting a series of Valentine's Day quotes on Facebook, starting on February 1st and going all the way through to the 14th. That's 14 straight days of beautiful, loving inspirational quotes about love... and specifically the love of a beautiful woman.

I wanted to see just how jaded or inspired people out there would get. I wanted to see what kind of reactions these types of quotes would bring. While I'm sure a whole ton of people probably read my quotes, there were only a few here and there that would dive in and comment. Now you can check out the entire experiment right here:

So what have we learned? Hell, I'm not a love engineer or emotion anthropologist, so I'm not going to make you a chart. I think the majority of the comments can speak for themselves.

So what have I learned?

I've spent the last 14 days completely immersed in the science and philosophy of love, particularly the festivities and ideas behind Valentine's Day.

Everybody knows that the origins of St. Valentine's Day are 99% drama, executions, murder and revolutions and 1% love. You can grab your nearest encyclopedia or use your Google search bar to learn more about it, but this holiday certainly didn't begin with a toddler in a diaper with a vengeance chasing people down with a deadly weapon.

No, we can thank people like Esther Howland, a pretty sneaky English entrepreneur in 1847 for getting this ball rolling. People like her started capitalizing on this tattered holiday by creating hand-made cards in her basement... snowballing into our friends at the Hallmark corporation and a zillion in-your-face Valentine's Day specials across the globe.

But whatever it's morphed into over the years, capitalism or not, we're still stuck with this wonderful holiday of love. So then it comes down to us, right?

If you're a couple, you're faced with all these hilarious decisions. What to do? What kind of special treat will you share with your significant other? What to buy? Where to go? How do you top last year? How do you top whatever you did with your last ex? Will you celebrate it at all? Will you choose to ignore it... in the face of 10,000 signs, logos, hearts & pink colors every day? That's certainly a lot of pressure, yo.

Well, we'll let the couples of the world figure that out.

I'm a single guy, so what do I do? Do I get all pissed and "gag" every time I read a quote about love? Do I "gag again" when I think about being in love? Do I become cynical about it and make witty jokes about murder, drugs and violence?

I say no, not this year. This year I've learned something new.

If you go looking for unhappiness, you can bet your ass that you'll find it. More than likely, it'll find you. It'll sniff you out like a vicious honey badger tracks down puff adders and bee hives.

This holiday season, I changed everything and instead went looking for something else: appreciation and celebration.

To find a new perspective, I started with an examination of my life and relationships in general. What the hell is up with that, right?

I haven't had a Valentine lady since 2005. When you don't have relationships, you get pretty damn comfortable with being single. You actually get extremely comfortable, sometimes to the point of putting relationships on par with jury duty. But it also affords me this amazing opportunity to whittle down the things I want and make some pretty interesting observations.

Some people rush into love and relationships and then sooner or later those questions, tiny doubts or reflections come into play. Maybe relationships themselves are just glorified social experiments? I could never be sure about it, but I'm almost certain that I was an experiment in the the last super-brief relationship I had. It was the only one in five years, so it tends to stand out.

I think this lady had been with a guy for a long time who she loved... and she suddenly, for some reason, wanted to experiment and try something new by dating me when their relationship hit a bump in the road. When she didn't find those familiar things that she needed or wanted in me, she completely lost interest and was reminded of why she was so happy with her old boyfriend to begin with.

While it's easy to be upset from being used as a substitute for a few months, all it takes is a simple change of perspective to see things a completely different way. If you look at things from her perspective, it becomes a lot easier to understand. I'm extremely happy for this woman, actually, for going back to what made her happy to begin with. I don't blame her for wanting to try something different for a little while. She regained her focus of what she really needed in a guy, and I had a few really happy months. Case closed on that one.

Hell, I love some McDonald's double cheeseburgers. I can't eat 'em all the time for obvious reasons, but I really enjoy 'em. So one day I felt froggy and decided to veer off the reservation. I had this thought that I'd try out a Big Mac. The thought of eating something different was exciting. Ordering it was exciting. The anticipation of opening the box was exciting. The first bite was exciting. But then... after swallowing that bastard, I suddenly realized & remembered why I don't like Big Macs. Just didn't taste right to me at all, and I didn't enjoy it. You can bet your ass the next time I ordered something it was a double cheeseburger. That good 'ole delicious taste that I always loved tasted even better after trying that lame Big Mac.

Important editor's note: does this make the Big Mac any less tasty for billions of consumers across the world? You bet your sweet ass it doesn't.

It's all about completely changing your perspective on things and celebrating the positive.

Instead of being miserably selfish in thinking about my own singleness or potential loneliness, I spent 14 straight days celebrating love and the amazing women of the world. Every single time I saw a stupid balloon with a bad font, a stuffed animal, a lame card that plays music and utilizes a goofy cartoon cat, endless bouquets of flowers and baby's breath... I ate it all up and loved every second of it. Come on, that stuff is hilarious.

A beautiful woman is worth so much more than that, and you know it.

I celebrated and appreciated the inner and outer beauty of a woman. I celebrated the women who've found love and how happy I am that they can experience it. I'm celebrating the way a woman looks when she's loved.

If you're ever lucky enough to be standing at an alter, looking down the aisle past huge groups of people to see the woman that you're madly in love with walking straight towards you... record every single second of that. A beautiful woman can be a goddess on her wedding day. It wouldn't matter if she's wearing a $500,000 gown or a burlap f'n sack, she's much, much more than a human being in those moments. It's not makeup or hair. It's not jewelry or shoes. It's love. You'll never see a more gorgeous woman than in those moments. Love does that.

How about single women? I celebrated single women who set an example, who work hard at what they do and strongly deserve a man's respect. I celebrated single women who don't even need a man in their lives because he would only slow them down.

I celebrated women who didn't have a guy to hug on Valentine's Day... because I know that in their heart, they've got enough love to level an entire city block when they find the right guy to give it to. When they find the guy who'll appreciate them for it.

Every year, it seems like Valentine's Day runs me into the ground, but this year I've learned that it's just not about me and my problems. That's unbelievably selfish of me. No, there's a much bigger picture to this holiday, and I've been fortunate and blessed this year to be able to see it.

Put the greeting cards, busted flowers and balloons aside and think about love. Think about the person you share it with or how it makes you feel. Get on top of it and own it. Look in the mirror and ask yourself if you really dig who you see. If you can't love yourself... your mind, your body, your soul... how the hell will you be able to give your love to someone else?

Face the facts, bud... Love deserves more thought. If you're single, there's no need to gag. All it takes is a little change of perspective to appreciate it.

Happy Valentine's Day from The Tirade, readers. You've got nothing but love from me.

Valentine's Day quote #14: "Whether love comes as the perfect drug, a fleeting moment, a lifetime of comfort, a speeding bullet, a walk in the clouds, a merciless hurricane, an unexplored path, a last breath, a first chapter, a knife to the chest, a soft breeze, a draw in the lottery, a failed parachute or the best dreams of your life realized in full color with surround sound... it's all worth it. It's all worth every single second." -Matt McClane