BILLY! LET'S GO!!!

Hey Sonny Landham fans,

It's probably no shocker to any of you guys that I'm a pretty huge Schwarzenegger fan.

Wait, let me say that differently: "It's probably no shocker to any of you guys that I'm a pretty huge fan of Schwarzenegger back when he did 80's action movies."

Editor's note: If you even try to tell me that every single one of Schwarzenegger's movies from the 80's aren't absolutely and orgasmically awesome, I'll fly a chopper straight up your ass.

While I could talk about those movies for pages and pages, instead I'll just talk about how much I love Sonny Landham as "BILLY" in the 1987 McTiernan masterpiece, PREDATOR.

Man, Billy was an intense guy!! It only makes sense that when addressing Billy, you should always say his name in an intense voice. Check out this awesome video clip:

The thing I love to do more than anything in the world is scream out the name "BILLY!" in this really obnoxious Arnold Schwarzenegger voice during any given activity.

Here's some great examples:

• You get up early in the morning to make some breakfast. When the toast pops up from the toaster, you instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!"

• You're drying your hair and you want an awesome dramatic explosion right before you hit the power button on the blow dryer. You instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" then quickly hit the power button. It's an explosion, all right.

• You get an email. You instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!"

• Some guy walks past your window with a hardhat, carrying a giant bundle of wires. You instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" even though that's most likely not his name. (However, if his name IS Billy, oh boy, you're gonna have some serious explaining to do.)

• You trip on something random, like a wrinkle in the rug. You instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" to mask not only your clumsiness, but also your pent-up rage and sadness over some abuse that happened on a rug when you were a kid.

• It cuts to a commercial break at the end of this long, dramatic pause on your show. During the half-a-second, quiet moment before the commercial begins, you instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" to make the following commercial more intense.

• You take the milk out of the fridge. You instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!"

• You instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" after the key has been inserted into the ignition, but just before it cranks all the way up with a roar. That makes a great segue between the turn of the key and the explosive engine starting.

• While removing your mail from the mailbox, you instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!"

• When you see your landlord walking down the sidewalk, you instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" to mess with him a little bit. When he says, "what?," just mention something about the weather, or economy, or whatever and then maybe you can learn something.

• You hit the send button on your email. You instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!"

• You've got this super awesome sub sandwich in your hands, just dripping with whatever crap you like on there. Just before you take your bite, you instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" and then pause. Look out into space for a few minutes and think about something cool. Then, slowly sink your teeth into that delicious crap-smothered piece of heaven. Afterwards, before you've completely swallowed all of it, you instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" with your mouth half full. (Note: increase volume to compensate for clarity.)

• Just before you start to pee, you instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" before a drop hits the toilet. (Or ground.) (Or seedy back alley at 3:30 a.m.) (Or your enemy's face.)

• Take a break during shaving to pause, think about life and then instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" before getting that little tuft under your nose. *Consider instinctively screaming, "BILLY!!!" again when you actually get that part of your lip finished up and smooth.

• You shake your co-worker's hand, and just as you get your firm grip going, you instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" in his or her face. Hopefully he or she will have read this blog by that time and you guys can share this awesome inside joke from the rest of your douchebag co-workers.

• During Avatar, when Jake Sully looks at the blue tiger woman and tells her some stuff about choosing her as his mate or girlfriend or whatnot (before they get it on), you instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" in 3D.

• You fart. You instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!"

• You're finally getting some gardening done and you suddenly spot your wedding ring that you've been looking for for months in your flower bed. You instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" while picking it up. Fortunately, you've since divorced that idiot cheating husband of yours, and now you can get your ass down to the pawn shop. There's a world of wonder inside those four walls. ... Like that old school stationary bike. Or that pistol.

I'm sure you guys can think of about a million other uses for the expression, but those are probably the MOST used scenarios.

Have a wonderful day, and if you happen to pop a giant zit, you know what to do.*

-Poncho

(*You instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!")