Rolled Up Magazine of Death!!

Hey faithful followers and total strangers!

And also cage fighters looking for a new way to destroy your enemies!

Today on the Tirade we'll be learning about self defense. For those of you who've been contemplating on buying a hand cannon, pepper spray, nun-chucks or some other lethal tool of death, consider saving your money and buying a new issue of Martha Stewart Living.

This guy will show you what to do if somebody tries to take your chair:

I thought that was a pretty clever twist in the end there. Just when you think he's going to pull some Mortal Kombat shit and rip his head off with the newest edition of Field and Stream, he politely offers up the chair.

OR DOES HE???

If we've learned anything today, it's this: as long as you have the newest issue of Teen People, nobody will ever bug you while you're trying to take a crap... ever.

-Fred Woodward

Say "I DO"... now with BASS!

Hey gang,

Man, I don't think I can say anything witty to introduce this video, it's just one of those things you have to see to believe.

GO SEE IT.

-Bill Dance

The Forgotten Web Standard

Yeah, this man is my new hero.

This is a slide show created by Mike Kus, designer at Carsonified, for his 2009 presentation called Graphic Design: The Forgotten Web Standard.

Just a fantastic piece that shows us how websites don't have to be constrained to lame tables anymore. As designers, we can be as free as we wanna be. To check out more of Mike's work, scope his personal website.

You're totally welcome for the plug on The Tirade, Mike. Now get that check in the mail for my promotion fee. You think The Tirade is CHEAP to run?? Man, we all gotta eat.

Sincerely,

-Inigo Montoya

P.S. Looking at all of Mike's wonderful work inspired me to crank out a new home page this evenin'. Check out the new look at mattmcclane.com.

Technical Difficulties

UPDATE!!!!

3/17/10

Because WVLT is dubbing the recent posting of a "pirated" video of my main man Gordon Boyd's amazing breakdown as being illegal, YouTube has yanked the file. On top of that, Mr. Boyd has since been on leave from the news station, sorting out his life, etc. after making a mean face and throwing down a folder on television.

I still feel for the guy & I really hope he doesn't lose his job. Come on, that guy is hilarious! After this whole thing, I'd watch that guy's show every night.

I would give you a link to the place I got all this information, The Knoxville News Sentinel, but somehow & mysteriously, I'm unable to find the page only a few hours after reading it. Am I just unable to track this story down, or has it been mysteriously pulled as well?

Face it guys, in Knoxville, genius abounds.

-M

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Hey true believers,

I just want you guys to check out my man Gordon Boyd here. A local news correspondent, Gordon always has a bit of trouble speaking clearly. He's typically sitting at the news desk, gazing into the TelePrompTer like a zombie, but on this fateful day, he was holding it down outside the courthouse in downtown.

Gordon, I gotta be honest with you here, my man: you put me on the edge of my seat every night. The way you stumble through words and stutter around every story is like watching a grizzly bear fight an anaconda. Who's gonna win here, Gordon... you or that deadly TelePrompTer? 'Cause it's giving you a run for your money, holmes.

Anyway, Gordon blew up on camera the other day and it was the best thing ever. As of today, it looks like we're up to 137,284 views and it was uploaded only six days ago.

Poor Alan Williams' face is key.

It's always great to see Knoxville get put on the map again for some stupid crap.

Speaking of stupid crap in Knoxville... uh huh.

Slinging papers around 4 life,

-Ron Burgundy

BILLY! LET'S GO!!!

Hey Sonny Landham fans,

It's probably no shocker to any of you guys that I'm a pretty huge Schwarzenegger fan.

Wait, let me say that differently: "It's probably no shocker to any of you guys that I'm a pretty huge fan of Schwarzenegger back when he did 80's action movies."

Editor's note: If you even try to tell me that every single one of Schwarzenegger's movies from the 80's aren't absolutely and orgasmically awesome, I'll fly a chopper straight up your ass.

While I could talk about those movies for pages and pages, instead I'll just talk about how much I love Sonny Landham as "BILLY" in the 1987 McTiernan masterpiece, PREDATOR.

Man, Billy was an intense guy!! It only makes sense that when addressing Billy, you should always say his name in an intense voice. Check out this awesome video clip:

The thing I love to do more than anything in the world is scream out the name "BILLY!" in this really obnoxious Arnold Schwarzenegger voice during any given activity.

Here's some great examples:

• You get up early in the morning to make some breakfast. When the toast pops up from the toaster, you instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!"

• You're drying your hair and you want an awesome dramatic explosion right before you hit the power button on the blow dryer. You instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" then quickly hit the power button. It's an explosion, all right.

• You get an email. You instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!"

• Some guy walks past your window with a hardhat, carrying a giant bundle of wires. You instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" even though that's most likely not his name. (However, if his name IS Billy, oh boy, you're gonna have some serious explaining to do.)

• You trip on something random, like a wrinkle in the rug. You instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" to mask not only your clumsiness, but also your pent-up rage and sadness over some abuse that happened on a rug when you were a kid.

• It cuts to a commercial break at the end of this long, dramatic pause on your show. During the half-a-second, quiet moment before the commercial begins, you instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" to make the following commercial more intense.

• You take the milk out of the fridge. You instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!"

• You instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" after the key has been inserted into the ignition, but just before it cranks all the way up with a roar. That makes a great segue between the turn of the key and the explosive engine starting.

• While removing your mail from the mailbox, you instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!"

• When you see your landlord walking down the sidewalk, you instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" to mess with him a little bit. When he says, "what?," just mention something about the weather, or economy, or whatever and then maybe you can learn something.

• You hit the send button on your email. You instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!"

• You've got this super awesome sub sandwich in your hands, just dripping with whatever crap you like on there. Just before you take your bite, you instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" and then pause. Look out into space for a few minutes and think about something cool. Then, slowly sink your teeth into that delicious crap-smothered piece of heaven. Afterwards, before you've completely swallowed all of it, you instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" with your mouth half full. (Note: increase volume to compensate for clarity.)

• Just before you start to pee, you instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" before a drop hits the toilet. (Or ground.) (Or seedy back alley at 3:30 a.m.) (Or your enemy's face.)

• Take a break during shaving to pause, think about life and then instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" before getting that little tuft under your nose. *Consider instinctively screaming, "BILLY!!!" again when you actually get that part of your lip finished up and smooth.

• You shake your co-worker's hand, and just as you get your firm grip going, you instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" in his or her face. Hopefully he or she will have read this blog by that time and you guys can share this awesome inside joke from the rest of your douchebag co-workers.

• During Avatar, when Jake Sully looks at the blue tiger woman and tells her some stuff about choosing her as his mate or girlfriend or whatnot (before they get it on), you instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" in 3D.

• You fart. You instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!"

• You're finally getting some gardening done and you suddenly spot your wedding ring that you've been looking for for months in your flower bed. You instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" while picking it up. Fortunately, you've since divorced that idiot cheating husband of yours, and now you can get your ass down to the pawn shop. There's a world of wonder inside those four walls. ... Like that old school stationary bike. Or that pistol.

I'm sure you guys can think of about a million other uses for the expression, but those are probably the MOST used scenarios.

Have a wonderful day, and if you happen to pop a giant zit, you know what to do.*

-Poncho

(*You instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!")

Sadly, he isn't me

Yo Joes,

It's no exaggeration when I say: "The commercial that's embedded below from YouTube is my very favorite commercial of the new decade."

Trust me guys, there's no such thing as "exaggerating" on The Tirade.

Ever.

Now back at me,

-M

Jym Davis' Cover Remodel: Superman #1

Hey gang,

My buddy Mark stumbled across a really interesting post on writer Warren Ellis' website last week and forwarded over the link.

Check out Ellis' post.

I thought it was a pretty fascinating challenge... to completely re-imagine the Man of Steel with only this criteria:

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You have been told that Superman is a man who dresses predominantly in a shade of blue, and wears a red S symbol. You know nothing else about the character.

The cover must include a logo and the text THE COMPLETE STORY OF THE DARING EXPLOITS OF THE ONE AND ONLY SUPERMAN.

And that’s it.

It’s up to you what kind of company you’re at. What kind of comics you make. How you translate that description of Superman. What era you’re in. Who you are, even. Go nuts with it.

You have one week. Go.

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While I would have loved to take on the project, I found myself a bit on the busy side last week & this weekend and didn't have a chance to sink in some teeth.

However... my good friend Jym Davis certainly DID make some time. His rendition of Superman was so interesting, unorthodox and so well crafted, that I had to post his piece on The Tirade and give the man some major props. Feast your eyes on Jym's re-imagining. (Click to see this baby larger.)

Good, good stuff. To see more of Jym's art, follow these magic links into a watercolor paradise:

View Jym's commercial portfolio, full of outstanding magazine features and other pieces of gold.

Check out Jym's personal site full of delicious art & video projects.

Check out one of the most insanely ambitious and mind-blowing experiments to ever happen to the book of Revelation.

Thanks for being an inspiration, Jym—excellent work!!!!

Holla if you hear me,

-M

RIP IE6

Sshhhhh... if you listen close, you can hear the ghost of Internet Explorer 6 lumbering through the pages of The Tirade.

Seriously, are you guys using IE6? I bet a ton of you are reading this blog on that damned browser right now. If you are, let me tell you right now... you're viewing the world through a zombie's eyes. That's right... Internet Explorer 6 has officially been murdered.

The funeral is being held today for the aging Web browser.

So who's doing the killin'? Looks like our sneaky friends at Google are pulling the trigger. Or wielding the machete. Or stabbing with the knife. Or crushing with the rock. Or setting on fire with the blowtorch. Or cutting the brake lines on IE6's car. Or sneaking under IE6's house through the foundation crawl space with a giant tank of Argon Gas. From there, Google will run a small tube up through the floor, and pump tons of gas into IE6's bedroom while it sleeps. Since Argon is technically heavier than Oxygen, it will slowly take the place of Oxygen in IE6's lungs, slowly killing it while it sleeps. Or pulling the pin on the grenade and stuffing it into IE6's underwear while it's taking a piss in the men's room at YouTube.

However it's happening, Google is doing the job. This past Monday, Google killed the support for the browser for its sites, and YouTube will boot it out of the house on March 13.

What does it all mean?? From my point of view, I've only used the browser once or twice, and I think that was back in 2001 or 2002. Yeah yeah, I'm one of those life-long Mac guys. If you want to get into the bread and butter, many of you know that I've never used a PC to accomplish anything in my life other than looking at websites. To be honest, I have no idea how a PC even works. Those things scare me to death.

I do know, however, how much of a pain it is to keep your site design browser compliant, and this IE6 abomination is always the biggest thorn to work around. What looks like a beautiful summertime pond covered in flowers and hot chicks in sundresses in Safari or Firefox looks like you're trapped at a bad GWAR cover band concert with a football-field sized mosh pit containing 100,000 Carrot Top clones all wearing pink Snuggies in Internet Explorer 6.

I offer my condolences to the users of IE6 and also offer up a warning: if your internet browser suddenly starts to crave human flesh, I'd totally download the new Safari or Firefox immediately. You sure as hell don't want to end up like Captain Rhodes.

Best regards and stuff,

-----> McClane, Blog Owner Man